Letters to Ashlee

Did John the Baptist Get a Raw Deal?

2010-10-28T15:53:00.002-04:00

John the Baptist was put in jail because he told the king that he couldn't lawfully have his brother's wife. As John sat in a prison cell awaiting his fate, he sent a message to his cousin Jesus. In the message he asked Jesus if he was in fact the one or should the search and waiting continue. I'm sure John remembered the day of Jesus' baptism. It seems highly unlikely that the Father's voice from heaven slipped from his memory. Difficult circumstances are probably the most fertile ground for the seeds of doubt to grow in. I'm sure the confinement of prison gave John plenty of time to think. "Maybe I should have minded my own business concerning the king's adultery." Again and again I think he asked himself, "Is Jesus really who I think he is?" "Why doesn't he visit me?" "I'm not as sure now as I once was when God spoke from Heaven." "I think I should double check." It was understood by John that when Jesus came forward his role as the announcer of Christ's coming would fade. I don't think John imagined his retirement in a prison cell? I would imagine that when John realized that Jesus wasn't going to visit he sent some of his followers with his message of inquiry.

Jesus received the message and told John's followers to report what they had seen and heard. "The blind see, the lame walk, lepers are cleansed, the deaf hear, the dead are raised, and the gospel is preached to the poor." I wonder if any of John's followers had the nerve or the presence of mind to tell Jesus. "I'm sure John will be glad to hear, as he sits in prison, about how successful your ministry is becoming, but that's not what he asked us to find out." John's disciples were expecting something else from Jesus. They were expecting, I think, a simple answer to a simple question: "Are you the one?" Jesus didn't give them the answer they expected, instead he pointed to the evidence of his identity: "Tell John what you have seen and heard, tell him that." In light of John's circumstances it would have been nice if Jesus gave to John what he asked for: a little bit of hope. Maybe the answer Jesus provided was enough for John. I don't think it would have been enough for me.

When John's disciples left Jesus turned to the crowd and declared that John the Baptist was the greatest man who ever lived. Time out! Maybe the departing disciples of John caught this or maybe they didn't. The fact remains that Jesus' high praise of John was not part of the message they were to take back to John. John was the cousin of Jesus. Jesus said that John was the greatest. It just seems to me that maybe Jesus could have taken a minute to reach out to John in a more meaningful way. But that's just me thinking, I don't know and I don't get it.

Later John was executed in prison.

John the Baptist had a starring role in the life and times of Jesus. He and Jesus were cousins. Their moms were sisters. John had the supreme role of announcing the arrival of the Messiah. He witnessed the spoken word of God at Jesus' baptism. Jesus himself declared that John the Baptist was greatest man who ever lived. John the Baptist wasn't really executed in prison. He was murdered at the request of a dancing girl. Go figure.

At the conclusion of Jesus' message to John he said: "Blessed is the man who does not fall away on account of me." Matt. 11:6 I haven't read any commentaries on that so I maybe I have this wrong. Maybe Jesus was telling John, "Don't give up on me because things haven't turned out the way you expected or you don't understand what I'm doing." Or "Hang in there even though you don't get it." "Hey John, the story ain't over and the fat lady ain't singing." As far as John the Baptist was concerned the fat lady may not have been singing but the skinny girl was dancing.

Practical Christianity (a do over)

2009-03-04T12:28:00.000-05:00

My Friends,

I've expanded my circle of contacts somewhat.

In some ways I regret the way I left my previous message regarding Practical Christianity. If you are reading this note and have no idea what I am talking about then that is because you didn't receive or read my first message. I have posted the email on a blog. Please follow the link and read it so that you are in the loop.

I think if I can conclude anything about following the example of Jesus, it is this: His ways are not practical according to my understanding of what practical means. To me the expression "practical Christianity" implies that within the topic one can learn how to manage the circumstances of life and perhaps harmonize them with the teachings of Christ. The end result of such would produce as smooth a journey as can be had. Don't misunderstand. I'm not looking for an easy, comfortable, or painless way to live. I'm seeking the right way. I'm looking for the narrow way that few will find. I have a way of thinking that naturally understands and concludes that if I'm doing something correctly the process of doing it will be smooth, painless, and with minimal difficulty. I have a lifetime of experience that proves my natural understanding of things. I realize that my natural understanding tends to lead me away from the truth regardless of what my experience has taught me.

A famous someone once said that embarking on the journey of Christianity is free to whoever will go. Remaining on the journey however, will cost the traveler everything. Romans 12 tells us to present ourselves as a living sacrifice to God. The Message says to take our everyday, ordinary lives----our sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around lives----and place them before God as an offering. I think this is where practical Christianity is really defined. Presenting ourselves to God seems to be the first step. I think I understand what this means. Doesn't it mean surrender to his will as I abandon mine? My problem is I never completely surrender or offer myself. As I travel this road I'm regularly presented with opportunities to surrender more. Here is where it gets thorny because of the "O" word. I have difficulty shaking the negative vibe that the concept of obedience presents me with. I think of rules that must be obeyed. I think of chores that I have no energy to complete that must be done. I think of commands we give a dog like sit, stay, or rollover. When the command is obeyed the compliant pet is rewarded with a "Scooby snack." The rules we are asked to obey (by our traditional Christian culture) seem to me to have as much value as the silly tricks we teach our dogs to perform. Of course I'm speaking for myself and I admit that I have very little understanding of what real obedience looks like. I am learning to view obedience as a positive response to opportunities God places in my path. God is showing me that he doesn't demand my obedience like a drill sergeant barking out orders. His commands are almost always whispered to my heart. His commands feel more like invitations than orders. If you are reading along and thinking then you must wonder what sorts of things does God ask me to do. I think that just about everything I was ever invited to do involved another human being. Maybe every command can be summed up like this: "Will you let me love that person through you?" It may be as simple as saying "good morning" or taking a moment to help another lift a cumbersome piece of freight. It may be as challenging as rescuing a small child from behind what was once the Iron Curtain or some other third world country and then giving that child your name. I could introduce the "R" word but I won't. I'm already taking up too much of your time. Suffice it to say that somewhere between saying "good morning" to a stranger and adopting another person into your family requires the building of relationships.

So what about practical Christianity? Is my Christianity a belief system that I use to manage and cope until God calls me to the "sweet by and by?" I hate managing and coping because while in the process of that I don't get to live. Do I see it as a formula or strategy I use to get what I want from God and others? What do you think? Maybe I should stop asking how Christianity is practical to me and start asking God how practical I am to him. EUREKA!! That's it, isn't it? Practical Christianity is Jesus revealing his love to others through me. As I throw off my own interests and agenda do I make myself more available to serve his interests and agenda?

What about my present difficulties I once thought my Christianity would ease or free me from? They come and they go. Sometimes I'm pleased and sometimes I'm not by the way these temporal matters sort out. I suspect that maybe they don't matter as much as I think they do. As my perspective is adjusted they become less and less relevant.

Some personal notes:

Deb & Bill: Would you send this to Greg and Joyce? I'm hopefully expectant as we begin our new journey.

My usual Sun. morning group: I tried to include as many of you guys as I could. Some showed an interest in being included. If I left someone off feel free to send this to them. I love you guys. I value your insight. Let me know what you're thinking as it pertains these matters.

Ashley: Be careful and I can't wait to see you in Tampa. You are God's picture to me of what practical Christianity looks like.

Heather: Keri and I owe you more than we can ever repay. Miguel is making me crazy and Ana is healing.

Greg B: My kids love you so for now that's enough. I look forward to knowing the man beneath the surface.

Stuart: I found some of what you told me to find and some I did not. In the process I found something unexpected.

Mike: I invite you to meet with me in the desert where we can speak of these great mysteries as only two like minded mystics can do.

Caleb

Practical Christianity is a Lie

2009-01-26T19:15:00.002-05:00

I've been thinking lately about something called "practical Christianity" or "practical Christian living." In your opinion what does that mean? I always assumed that this concept was instruction on how to apply Biblical principles to life's circumstances so that I can honor God. What I am finding is that many people who apply Biblical principles to their lives do so not so much to honor God but to make their lives here work better. I often hear people say that they like this or that Christian speaker because what they say is "so practical," "so useful," or "so relevant" to their Christian walk. I often wonder what that really means to them. Many times I come away from such encounters believing that what people are looking for is some spiritual authority to show them how they can make their Christianity work for them. I'm also reminded of the thing I've heard of called the "gospel of tips and techniques." Apply these simple pointers to your life and watch God work (for you). Such application of Biblical instruction I believe is very dangerous on so many levels. Are we obedient to God's word for obedience's' sake alone or are we obedient for what we believe we can get out of it? Here's some questions to meditate on: What good thing has God withheld from us? Do we love our triune God for what he has done or is our love based on what we expect him to do for us while we occupy this vessel of flesh and bone? Do I obey him regarding tithes and offerings because I want the blessing of more money? If that is so then I love money, God is just my tool to acquire it. Do I "do kindly unto others" so that they will treat me in the same manner? If that is so then I really don't love them. My goal is really to use and manipulate them into performing in ways that please me.

When we observe the man Jesus in the four gospels, how practical were his teachings? Do his teachings show me how to get by in a world gone crazy? Does his famous Sermon on the Mount show me how to survive in a culture that has forgotten God? In my opinion there is nothing practical about following the ways of Jesus. His teachings are not handy pointers on how to survive here. On the contrary, they cause me added difficulty. I have found that following his ways are not supportive to my sojourn here. I have found them to be completely subversive to comfort and pain-free living. The application of his words to my life don't make my life easier or more endurable. His teachings put me at odds with everything (even myself). I want what he says to make sense but it doesn't. Does he ever explain why something is true and right? If he were to do so would my mind be able to contain it?

Based on what my view of what Christian living is why would anyone in a culture of self-sufficiency want to follow Jesus? The answer to that question lies in the hearts of those he has changed and is changing. Can anyone explain the burning flame in my heart? I think I may have just reached the edge of what I can explain................

Caleb

Holiday Update

2008-12-09T19:04:00.002-05:00

The news media has declared that we are in a national economic recession. The holiday season of 2008 has been forecast to be bleak because of the financial crunch. Keri and I have never had much money so we don't plan on participating. I'm sure that a sound economy is an important part of our national interest. However, I'm not so sure it's that relevant to things that really matter. While the United States laments another quarter of negative growth, our family in Tennessee has experienced exponential increases in 2008. Thousands and thousands of dollars have been channeled through us to accomplish the work that was given to us. Since 1998 we have been bringing home and raising the children that God has carefully selected for us. Now that the work has been completed (I hope so) we still don't have very much money. Money becomes less and less relevant as our hearts receive the news that we already have everything. We are all the adopted sons and daughters of the King!

The year 2008 has truly been a remarkable time for us. Ana arrived early in the year and Miguel followed in the Spring. However, 2007 was a year of great testing for us. We waited, we watched, and we wept as we struggled through the process of bringing home Ana and Miguel. This past year we have had the profound joy of getting to know these two remarkable people. Ana is 12 and she arrived with a lot of baggage from her past. Keri finds ways through the barriers of her heart to help her "unpack" the lies and introduce her to the truth of who she really is. Miguel on the other hand is 6 and was the prince of Hannah's Hope in Guatemala City. He is a force to be reckoned with. He is an outgoing and happy child. Everyone he meets is his friend even those he sees on the television. (There's an inside story here that really isn't suitable for a holiday family update.)

Ashley is 21 living and ministering in the ghetto of Guatemala City. She has abandoned the emptiness of North American culture and has chosen instead to recklessly follow after Christ in the dirtiest and darkest of places. She is still working with All God's Children at Hannah's Hope but her passion is reaching the poor and abandoned people of Guatemala with the good news. Her life fills her mom and I with wonder. Admittedly, there's also some fear. God has blessed her mom and I with some extra grace. He has not removed the fear but He is showing us how to master it.

Nick is 17 and a senior in high school. He is contemplating and planning for life after high school. He's in the process of practicing for his ACT exam so that he can qualify for the Hope Scholarship (funded by the TN lottery). I think he may begin college at UT Chattanooga and live on campus. He is hard-working and artistically gifted. He is so much wiser and more intelligent than his parents. It has been so challenging to provide for him all to which he is so clearly entitled. Ashley will surely rebuke me but sarcasm gives me so much pleasure!

Nicoleta is 14 and a high school freshman. She has a birthday in January and I'm looking forward to introducing her to the thrills and chills of driving (oops more sarcasm). Nicoleta is a gifted athlete and cheerleader. This past weekend Keri and I attended a cheer competition in Macon, GA with her. The things I saw her and the squad do defied the laws of gravity and human physiology. Whatever happened to "Firecracker, firecracker, boom, boom, boom?" I think I should get out more.

Luc is 12 and started middle school this year. He enjoys Dr. Pepper and hanging out with his buddies in the neighborhood. He is performing far below his potential in school but he is beginning to take more personal responsibility for his school work. He has refused to wear his rubber bands so he still has braces. He must really enjoy them! This summer he is looking forward to visiting his biological brother in Indiana.

As I mentioned Ana is also 12. Luc and Ana are in the same homeroom and share many of the same classes. This has proven very convenient for Keri and I. Luc's memory for homework assignments has improved immensely thanks to his new sister. He is so thankful for her support (I can't help myself.)

There is a promising new student beginning his educational career at Apison Elementary School. His name is Miguel Antonio and he is 6 years old. He has appointed himself the kindergarten school rules enforcer. Running in the halls is never tolerated. Hitting, biting, kicking and scratching are also strictly forbidden in his presence. Throwing rocks over the playgrounds' fence is an acceptable practice so long as all stones strike the windshields of the faculty's vehicles. Did you know the department of education in our county provides insurance for such events? Thank goodness!

Keri and I are having the time of our lives raising our family. What an adventure God has provided for us. I still work at (deleted) and Keri is still working as a dental hygienist with the same doctor. Since I go to work at the obscene hour of 3am, Keri gets everyone up and off to school. I'm usually home by noon so I'm home when everyone comes home from school. I can cook, wash clothes, make lunches, vacuum floors, etc. I read recently that I am a victim of a phenomenon called "gender convergence." Our roles as mom and dad may not look the same as our parents' roles once did but I don't feel like a victim.

We hope that all our well and content as we celebrate the birth of our savior Jesus Christ. Keri and I hope to be able to see our western relations at the next big reunion in 2010. To all related personnel on my side of the Mississippi River I am happy to report that next Thanksgiving I will be on vacation. I promise to be a much more fun guy next year so please come back. Thanks for your patience with me. I love you guys.

Caleb

Death of a Rabbit

2008-08-03T19:04:00.004-04:00

I've been thinking about you a lot lately. I miss you and often wish for your company. Let me tell you a story of recent events. Have you been home since your mom bought me this new chair I'm sitting on? I really like it. I spend so much time in it that I think your mom regrets getting it. I admit that I often use this little bit of sanctuary to escape, to reflect, and to talk to God. I think it's ironic that your mom bought me this comfortable chair, the floor lamp that stands beside it, and the computer that sits on my lap. She has essentially equipped me to do something she doesn't like that much: check out. I was about to tell a story.

One afternoon recently I was sitting right here when your brother came into the room and said he had something to tell me. Nick rarely has anything of substance to say to me under any circumstances so I was curious about what he had on his mind. He was having a hard time spitting it out. Finally he was able to mutter "I messed up." I asked him if he quit yet another job. He said it was nothing like that. He also assured me that he didn't wreck or ruin another vehicle. So I asked him, "Well, what have you done?" He indicated that what he had done was pretty huge. I was clueless. I was between surprised that he wanted to tell me anything about his life and curiosity as to what had rattled his cage so. "Dad, this is really big. I really messed up." I told him to tell me what he'd done. It could be that what was worrying him wasn't as huge as he believed. He asked me if I remembered a girl he brought by the house while he changed his clothes several weeks ago. Well of course I didn't remember. I don't think he ever brought any particular girl home more than one time. Anyway, when he began talking about a girl he had seen I saw where he was going with his confession. I wasn't about to make it easy on him. It would be good for him to say the words. He went on to say that this former girl friend had called him and told him that she was pregnant. I told him that I wish I could tell him that it wasn't as huge a deal as he imagined. He had no idea of the difficulty that lay ahead of him. Her mom had taken her to the doctor and confirmed that she was about ten weeks along. I asked him if he was certain that the baby was his. He was duly offended and he was certain that he was the father. I told him I would have to contact her parents to see what role they wanted us to fulfill if any in this little drama. He told me that he was forbidden from seeing or contacting the girl by her parents. I told him I still needed to call them. He said that he didn't want me to speak with her mother because she was bipolar. With some luck I would reach her dad. Nick told me that he only had a cell number for this girl. I asked him where she lived. He said he knew where she lived but didn't know the street address. "What's her last name?" He didn't know her last name. Do I have a sign on my forehead that identifies me as "dumb ass?" I told him that I was a bit confused that he would make this monumental admission yet stonewall me on her contact information. He said that he wasn't ready for me to call her parents. I didn't really want to call them so I was looking for an excuse not to. I told him he had two days to give me contact information for her parents. He told me that he was going to meet with the girl and her twin sister at a nearby restaurant to discuss the situation. When they met he would get her dad's cell number. He then asked me to not tell his mom. Sorry Nick.

That evening I was outside Eastwood waiting for your mom to show up so that I could give her the news. I watched Miguel on the playground and tried to figure out how I was going to tell your mom. I don't think there's a good way to do such a thing. As she arrived I walked out to meet her. When she got out of the car she saw me and smiled. Your mom has a smile that's just for me. When two people have been together as long as your mom and I lots of things evolve and change. Some things fade. There are some things that are forever fresh and new. Your mom's smile for me is one of those things. We leaned against the car and talked for a while. We were both trying to wrap our minds around what was happening. Your mom was having difficulty comprehending how a woman with a six year old could also be a grandmother. We agreed that I had to contact the other parents as quickly as possible.

The next evening Nick came home to discuss what had transpired at the secret meeting he had with the girl and her twin. They discussed and decided custody issues. They agreed on a name etc.. I found the settlement of the custody issue particularly amusing. They agreed that joint custody would be best for the baby. I pointed out that one has to qualify for custodial rights. One has to be gainfully employed, have a place of residence etc.. He was quick to point out that he was working and had already saved $80.00. It was his intention that when he had the baby in his care that he or she could stay in his bedroom. Nick has never grasped the fact that the place he calls his bedroom is really my bedroom that I am temporarily allowing him to use. I think he believes that a baby is really just a high tech puppy. Neither Nick or the girl have considered the fact that neither of them will be of legal age when their little bundle of joy arrives. Oh well, whatever was decided would most likely be decided by the other parents. Nick still didn't get the number for the girl's father.

It's amazing what one can find out about another with next to no information about them. As I fished for information about the girl's parents from Nick he gave me one good piece of data. The girls mom is a marine biologist. How many marine biologists do you think reside in the Chattanooga area? Thanks to Google I found that there are two. One of them is a man who teaches at UTC. The other is a woman. Eureka! Now I had a name. An address placed the lady marine biologist in the neighborhood where your brother said the girl lived.

I almost didn't make the call. I was afraid. I didn't want a stranger to vent all over me. What if I called and I had to deal with a bipolar marine biologist on the negative swing? I made the call. A woman answered.

I realize that you live without fear. However, we lesser mortals must always fight it. Just in case you ever need it let me offer you some advice regarding fear. Face it. Feel it. Embrace it. Then kill it. Fear is the mind killer.* Fear is a subtle slavery. I have found that often fear is the result of my belief in a lie. Once fear enters your heart find the lie. I have lived with some lies for so long that they felt true and normal. It's then that the truth feels like a lie. I introduced myself to the woman I had called. She seemed okay. As our conversation developed I realized that she had no idea why I was calling. I saw no escape by this time so I had the honor of telling yet another mom that she would be a grandmother. The woman certainly didn't seem bipolar. In all likelihood Nick lied about that. She was understandably devastated and heartbroken. I tried my best to explain that had I known that she was unaware of her daughter's situation I would have called some other time. Her daughter wasn't home but she said she would sort it out and call me back.

Your mom was out of town with everyone so I called her to let her know what was happening. After hearing about my experience on the phone your mom's immediate insight was that the girl made the whole thing up, that it was all a lie. I wasn't convinced. I then called Nick and told him I called the girl's mom. His anger with me "waxed hot." I told him the girl's mom didn't know about the pregnancy. She didn't take her daughter to the doctor as he originally told me. He quickly settled down and implored me to believe that what he told me was what he was told. My recommendation was that he call her and get some answers.

It was a lie. It was a prank that went seriously out of control. It was the girl's revenge for what Nick did to her. He got what he wanted and dropped her. After I got over my initial anger I decided that I like this girl. She brought your brother to his knees and tagged him a fool. None of this is lost on Nick. I think I convinced him to drop the issue. The girl had no idea what was waiting for her when she got home and saw her mom. I convinced the poor lady that her daughter was pregnant. I wonder if she took her to the doctor to be sure. I don't know because the allegedly bipolar marine biologist never called me back.

*From Herbert's sci-fi novel Dune

Ghost Writer

2008-07-05T17:28:00.003-04:00

My wife took the time recently to remember and write part of our story together. What follows is the abbreviated tale from Keri's perspective of our wild adoption adventures.

My life is nothing like I expected it to be. As a teenage girl I had my future carefully planned. I would attend college, get married to a tall handsome man, and have two children: girls, no boys. I went to college, met Caleb, a tall handsome man and got married but after that not much went as planned. About two years after we were married we had our first child, a daughter who we named Ashley. Four years later my plan went out the door because we had a son, Nick. But we were so happy to have him. Both pregnancies were extremely difficult so I elected to have my tubes tied following Nick's delivery.

A few years later I needed a hysterectomy. Before the surgery the decision to have only two children just didn’t seem final. However, on the day of the procedure I cried because I knew that was it; there would be no more children. Life went on and we enjoyed our two kids, Ashley and Nick. They grew older but our family just didn’t seem complete. We had a large home but one bedroom was empty. One evening we all went to the movies. We saw Father of the Bride part II. That movie began the process of change in our lives. We knew when we walked out of the theater that we wanted more children.

I have never been one to do things slowly or to procrastinate. I was on the phone and started the adoption process within weeks. We found AGCI in the Yellow Pages after several discussions with other agencies. We felt God had led us to the right place. The adoption process was not easy. (Is it ever?) We lost one referral in Bulgaria then changed to Romania. Following our change to Romania we waited two years through the country's closure. Finally, after two years we received the referral of a beautiful little girl, Nicoleta. She was one of the first children adopted through the Romanian program at AGCI.

Two years later we returned for our son, Luc. This time I traveled with my oldest daughter, Ashley. She was thirteen at the time. She fell in love with her new brother and she fell in love with Romania. Our family traveled back a year later for a vacation and we enjoyed every moment touring our newly adopted country.

When Ashley was sixteen she became interested in going on a foreign mission trip. She didn’t want to do the usual church sponsored week long trip. She wanted something longer, something bigger. We decided to get on the internet to explore what was available. We came upon an organization called Adventures in Missions. They offered a six-week trip to Romania. Ashley soon signed up and ventured out on a trip with fourteen other girls who she had never met before that time. It was the trip of a lifetime for Ashley. While in Romania God captured her heart. She met lifelong friends during those weeks. She returned home a different person.

After returning home Ashley asked me about sponsoring a child with All God's Children. It took me by surprise because she had researched this on her own and had already signed up. She just needed me to send a check for her every month after she gave me the money. We immediately sent the check and it wasn’t long before we received a picture in the mail of a little boy named Miguel. The rules were very clear about these children. They were not adoptable so I felt very safe. He was very cute but we were just helping to support him each month. I remember Ashley saying, "Oh mom, you and dad should adopt him." But I repeated the rules: not adoptable. Our family was complete.

We continued to send the checks and soon Ashley was making plans for life after high school. She felt strongly after her Romanian adventure that God had called her to missions. We couldn’t afford a Christian College so we were exploring other options. Soon she received a call from Moody Bible Institute. My Uncle had attended Moody so I was familiar with the school. The biggest plus was that it is a tuition-free school. God was making a way. Ashley soon applied but we knew that it was hard to get accepted immediately after high school, so she moved to plan B. She was invited to go to Mexico for the summer to live with a young missionary couple. Then she asked if in December she could go to Guatemala to visit Miguel, the child she sponsored. She was saving the money and she wanted to see him for Christmas. As before she had already contacted AGCI and received approval to spend three weeks there. Her dad and I agreed to let her make the trip.

Life in Mexico was hard and Ashley learned much. She lived by faith every day because the couple she lived with had no support. Each day they looked to God to supply even the food for that day. She didn’t get into Moody right away so she stayed in Mexico longer. I think in those days God was preparing her for her ministries that were yet to come. She had a heart for those who also lived from meal to meal. She made it home in time to go to Guatemala. Immediately after arriving at Hannah's Hope in Guatemala City, she called saying how in love she was with the little boy, Miguel. “He is so cute mom, you and dad have to adopt him.” She would talk like him and plead for him. That was what I heard during every telephone call. My answer was always the same, "We can’t adopt him because he isn’t available."

After returning home Ashley was accepted into Moody for the winter semester. As we traveled to Chicago Ashley kept on about little Miguel in Guatemala. Finally I relented and said I would call AGCI to find out more about him. I was in her new dorm room in January of 2006 when Hollen called me back and explained that there was a waiting list for children like Miguel. His case was very difficult and he was not presently even adoptable. He was part of a group of nine kids nicknamed by the AGCI staff as the "Mixco Nine." Their cases were hopelessly tangled in the Guatemalan legal system. When I hung up the phone I felt relieved and off the hook. Miguel is not available, so there!

Ashley continued with school but was determined to return to Guatemala. She wanted to go back for the summer. She would spend one month at Hannah’s Hope and then to YWAM (Youth with a Mission) for the rest of the summer. After a month at Hannah's Hope she decided to stay on at AGCI and was hired as a full-time employee. She was so in love with Guatemala and the people. She also loved a little boy called Miguel.

Month after month she talked about him. Month after month I shut the door. One night we were on the phone talking and Ashley brought it up again. This time my husband, Caleb, heard me from the other room once again stating all the reasons we could not adopt him. "First of all he isn’t available and secondly we don’t have the money." Caleb yelled from the other room, "Keri, have you asked God for the money." I quickly told him to be quiet.

Around this same time I was reading a book. It was titled, If You Want to Walk on Water You Have to Get Out of the Boat by John Ortenberg. After my husband yelled out that night I heard God saying, "Keri, leave the safety of your boat and meet me on the water." It would mean going back into debt as we added another child to our family. It would mean going back on an adoption journey that I knew could be long and painful.

Finally I decided, "Keri it's time." Ashley said, "Mom, why don’t you complete your dossier, go on the waiting list and maybe about the time you get to the bottom Miguel will become available." No guarantees here at all; a pure walk of faith. The next day I called and talked to Hollen. She said, "Keri, you have to realize up front that you may not get Miguel. If someone else is first on the list ahead of you they would get him. Also his case is still filled with problems and it might be years before any of the Mixco Nine are available. This was the ultimate faith walk. Caleb and I decided to take it.

I quickly filled out our dossier. I completed it in record time, two weeks! I knew we had to get on the list as soon as possible before other families got ahead of us. We requested to go on the boys and girls list. Just in case Miguel was taken we wanted to be open to whoever God chose. So in July, 2006 we began our journey. By about October we were nearing our turn on the bottom of the list. Things were looking good but no guarantees yet.

Also in October we had already scheduled a trip to visit Ashley in Guatemala. Two weeks before the trip I received a phone call. It was Heather (the girl from the book, only grown up). Something was up and I knew it. She proceeded to tell me about a young girl named Ana who was living with her. Ana was older and Heather was looking for a family for her. Ana really wanted a daddy and Heather knew Caleb was a good dad. My heart sank because I knew this meant we had to either turn Ana down or give up Miguel. How could I do that? Caleb made it easy. He said, "Giving up on Miguel is not an option." Then my heart seemed to scream, "TAKE BOTH!" Oh my goodness, how can we do that? We weren’t even looking for Miguel and now God has invited us to take two? (Take two, they're small!) Caleb and I talked about some options and we told AGCI how we could do it financially.

It didn’t take five minutes for Heather to call back and accept our proposal. We were now adopting two children. We traveled to Guatemala to meet not only our possible son but our daughter. It was an unforgettable trip. I had to guard my heart a little because I didn’t know for sure if we would get Miguel but it was still wonderful. We signed our power of attorney for Ana and started our adoption of her.

In March we returned to Guatemala for a trip and we were finally given the news that Miguel would be our son. We couldn’t officially sign the papers because AGCI was still waiting for his birth certificate but he was to be ours. We returned in May, 2007 to sign the official Power of Attorney. It was a long year with many twists, turns, heartbreaks, and frustrations but finally in May 2008 I traveled back to Guatemala to bring Miguel home. Ana made it home a few months before.

I tease Ashley and tell her if Miguel misbehaves I'll send him back for her to raise. When he's a teenager she should be old enough to take him back. It's unbelievable to think that we are raising that little boy whose picture came in the mail so many years ago . Through the faith and obedience (and relentless nagging) of a sixteen year old girl we gained another son and another daughter.

When I was a teenage girl I had a plan of what my future would be like: college, marriage, and two daughters. I imagine God in Heaven smiled to Himself and said, "I love it when people make plans. Wait till Keri sees what I have planned for her. When she's ready I'll show her my plan and invite her out of her boat to meet me on the water." I have three daughters and I have three sons! I'm having trouble getting used to the idea that I'm the mom of six: Ashley 21, Nick 17, Nicoleta 14, Luc 12, Ana 12, and Miguel 6. Oh well, so much for my life plan!

What Time is It?

2008-07-01T20:02:00.001-04:00

Our Chronic Ailment

2008-04-27T21:54:00.003-04:00

My Friend,

Is it possible for one to be a mini-church pastor or a named leader of a ministry of our church and yet not attend the worship service on Sunday morning with the rest of us? What is happening in the heart of one who carries out their role in a church sponsored ministry then leaves our campus to attend a worship service elsewhere among relative strangers? Answers are not as important as one may think.

I was in my car on the church parking lot waiting for my family after church on this past Sunday. A man we know asked if he and I could talk later about an issue that concerned him. I asked him what the issue was. His eyes left mine and looked at the kids who were beginning to fill my back seat. I gathered that he didn't want to give me any more details while my kids were present. We exchanged phone numbers and agreed to talk later. When we spoke today he said another man we know asked him questions similar to the ones I asked in the previous paragraph of this note. He asked for my opinion and I shared it with him.

I am a man whose debt to others is so great that if I had many life times I would never be able to repay it. I have lamented the fact that I walked through some difficult circumstances alone. There have been other difficult days (perhaps more) that others have walked with me. There is a pride in me that resents the debt. There is something evil in me that hates that my weaknesses have been exposed to others. It doesn't matter to my pride that exposure was my first step in freedom. It doesn't matter to my pride that my debt has been forgiven. All that matters to my pride is that there's a debt and "I" can not repay it.

When my son is of legal age he will leave my house. He won't leave because he is a disruption to my sense of domestic harmony. He'll leave because I think it will be the only way for him to abandon his mentality of entitlement. I will not sever my relationship with him, but I will sever my financial support of him. I realize that in his young mind our relationship is based on my financial support. Perhaps a day will come when he can stand before me as a free man. I will miss the boy who gave me such joy. I will wait for the man he will become.

I have been taught that the sacrifice of Jesus on the cross was for all people. Why such a great sacrifice when he knew so few would come? Don't you think our great God could have planned a greater return for what was so costly? I have to remind myself that Jesus did not invest himself for us on the cross. An investor expects a reasonable return on his investment. I think you would agree that Jesus on the cross was his sacrifice for us not his investment in us. An investor is not necessarily gracious, but he does have expectations.

Here I think are more relevant questions to ponder. Do we invest ourselves in our children and others or do we sacrifice ourselves for them? When I harbor disappointment or resentment in someone I have helped was my "help" an investment for a return I could enjoy later or was it a sacrifice? As I "continue in the sufferings of Jesus," am I called to sacrifice or invest? Is Ashley in Guatemala an investor or one who sacrifices?

I can wrap my mind around the benefits of wise investing. I plug in something of value on one end hoping something of greater or equal value comes out the other end. I have a problem understanding what successful sacrificing looks like. Maybe I don't get it all. I have a feeling that sacrifice expects no future or immediate return on the sacrifice. I wonder what the point is then? What's in it for me? Sorry but I have to throw the question out there. Do you think the joy of sacrifice is the knowledge that there is absolutely nothing in it for me? Do you think the joy of sacrifice lies in the act itself and not in the result? I'm thinking that the joy of sacrifice can't be explained. I'm pretty sure however, it can be discovered.

Your friend and fellow warrior/mystic,
Caleb

Loose Strings and Frayed Knots

2008-03-06T18:42:00.003-05:00

I can't think of anything in my life that affected me more profoundly than when my heart got the news that I am unconditionally loved and accepted by God. It seems like such a simple thing doesn't it; God's love and acceptance of us? The hard part was accepting it for myself. The implications/consequences for choosing to believe what God says is true changed everything. The days of trying to measure up were over. What a relief to my soul when I realized there is no poor choice I can make that will diminish his love for me. There is no righteous act that I can perform that can enhance it. I can't get the arms of my mind around such a love as God's love.

I read Mike's proposition. I agree that God is not in the "happiness now" business. For followers of Christ he is, among other things, in the "preparation for later" business. For so long I believed that difficult circumstances were God's way of holding out on me until I got it right. What a disappointment I imagined I was to him. I understand now that life's pain, difficulty, and tough circumstances are not God's way of frowning on me or holding out on me. These are the tools God uses to change me. He's changing me into someone who looks like the man who sits on his right.

I can't honestly say that I enjoy adversity and difficulty. Who does? However, understanding God's purpose for trials helps me to choose a healthier attitude about my circumstances. I sometimes ask God to improve my difficulties. I think sometimes he does and other times he doesn't. I believe however, that through it all he is improving me.

I've often heard that God's eternal agenda is like an intricate tapestry that he is crafting. The front is full of colorful texture and beauty. The back, however, has a jumble of frayed threads and knots. From the back it appears haphazard, a confusing mess of tangled and intersecting pieces of thread. I think the back of the tapestry is where I live now. I know God is doing something grand but I can't see it yet. I hope for the day when I see the other side.

One other thing, then I'm done. Mike wrote about the "grand adventure" to come. It's said that what's to come is too big for us to imagine. I admit that I don't often think about it. The "grand adventure" that's coming is not what closed the deal for my heart. It was his love. His love is enough for me. Maybe the wonder and glory of what comes next serves to further demonstrate the extravagance of his love for us. But I don't know, that's me just thinking out loud.

Caleb

Ana, Nicoleta, Luc, Mom, and Dad

2008-02-24T15:29:00.002-05:00

Uh...I forgot to mention that Ana arrived three weeks ago. Once Miguel gets here I'm having an adoptive vasectomy performed. As a further precaution Keri is having an adoptive hysterectomy. These are simple procedures that we can perform at home.

God's Call for an Ordinary Man

2008-02-17T14:40:00.004-05:00

Hey You,

I didn't know you were going to a Christian University. What's it called? I'll answer your lame and boring questions only because I love you so much. I would have thought that by this time the Christian University culture would have figured out that they are asking the wrong questions. Since I'm the one doing you a favor you must indulge my intellectual superiority complex. I don't mean to be cryptic but I'll explain myself in due time.

Age: 47
Education: B.S. Secondary Education
Work History: (deleted)
Current Job: (deleted)

My normal day begins at . . .(deleted)

Why do I work? Money. Money is a tool I use to get other stuff. If there were another way to get money that was legitimate and didn't require time and energy I would do it. Although there is a feeling of satisfaction that comes from success and a job well done, I have never found the "feeling" worth the sacrifice. It's like buying popcorn at the movies. Movie theater popcorn is always good but is it really worth $5.00?

To answer your questions pertaining to calling and vocation I have to know what those terms mean to you. Many people see a "calling" as something they are divinely instructed and equipped to do. The "calling" seems to be what God wants them to do on a vocational level. Within the confines of their calling they also find their purpose. I'm not suggesting that what people believe about callings, vocations, and purpose is not true. God may be calling each of us to our own vocation that all somehow conforms to his divine plan, his divine purpose. My personal opinion is that those things are not as important as some would have me believe.

It seems that many people are asking God in a spirit of obedience and submission what he wants them to do on a vocational level. They want to honor and please God with their life's work. It appears that they are on the right track doesn't it? I think many of those same people secretly and blindly believe that they must perform well and merit God's favor. God's acceptance of them is based on their choosing the correct vocation and performing well. My personal opinion is that God may have purpose for me but I'm not a necessary component to the achievement of his agenda. I am not needed or necessary but I am wanted. If a good father is performing a complicated automotive repair in his garage, how important is it that his small child be there to assist him? The man may ask his child to hand him a tool or to hold this or that part or implement. I think one can see that the task of repairing the car doesn't require the participation of the small child. In fact, the child's presence may actually impede the process. So what is the child's purpose or role in the mentioned scenario? Can it be that the good father is simply pleased by having his child with him? Doesn't it further please the father that his child wants to be with him and to help him? I've learned that being desired is better than being needed. Being needed is a heavy yoke to carry. Being wanted and desired is light and easy, it only requires my submission. To believe such a thing means one has to acknowledge that they are acceptable to God as-is, without credentials or accomplishments. It's not complicated to perceive. Believing is the hard part.

I believe God is calling us to something. It has nothing to do with how we earn our living. I don't believe God is primarily communicating instructions concerning his vocational plans for us. I think God's call tells us who he is not what he wants from us. I think God's call also tells us who we are. When a person sees the smallest shadow of who God is and who they are from the divine perspective, the business of vocation becomes trivial. I rarely think or wonder about it.

God has given me roles. Maybe my "roles" is where my "calling" lies. I am one woman's husband. I am the father of six children. I am a brother to three and a friend to a few. I don't consider being an employee a "role" in the same sense. My opinion is that the roles God gives me are those where I am irreplaceable. Husband, father, brother, and friend are my roles. Why has God given me these roles? How much depends on me? Am I a good husband? Am I a good father, brother, and friend? I try to be. To say that God depends on me to perform well in my roles contradicts my view of who God is. He doesn't need me, he wants me. He loves me. I've reached the conclusion that my roles are tools in God's hands. I am a husband, father, brother, and friend not so much that I can be used to change and positively influence others. That's only the minor part. God uses my roles primarily to change me. He uses my roles to show me more of who he is and to draw me into deeper intimacy with him. Have you ever been awestruck?

I'm sorry did you ask me about my job? My view of the world doesn't place much value on where I work.

Although I don't place as high a value on being an employee as I do on other roles doesn't mean I don't conduct myself with integrity and diligence. I hope my employer would not be insulted if I don't find my identity or passion in my job.

If you don't mind I'm going to post this note on my blog. I'll edit some stuff out. My adoring public misses me and I've not posted in a while.

Caleb

I Believe in Magic

2007-11-12T16:24:00.000-05:00

For the next few minutes please allow yourself a break from your present reality. There is a supernatural agenda at work that has brought us here together. For just a little while forget all that a lifetime of experience has taught you. Tune out and turn off the tyranny of what must be accomplished before the sun goes down. Take this time right now to consider remote possibilities. I'm asking you to engage your imagination and listen with your heart. Surely you remember imagination don't you? It was our imagination that carried us as school kids through long hot summers. It was the thing that existed before Xbox, Nintendo, and Playstation. Before there was cable and satellite television, multiplex cinemas and Blockbuster we traveled enchanted realms that were only limited by our ability to imagine. As a boy my backyard was a desert island, a battlefield, an old west town or an extraterrestrial landscape. I climbed trees in the amazon jungle hiding from hostile natives. Sometimes I wore a gun belt, spurs, and a silver star. Other times I wore the armor of a medieval warrior and I carried a sword in the service of my king. It was I who slew the dragon and rescued my first and true love. In my imaginary lands of adventure there were magical forces of good and evil at work battling for supremacy. Good always ultimately prevailed. I was always strong. I was always brave. I was feared by my enemies and I was always victorious. Death could not stop me. I always survived to fight another day. My name is Caleb and I was immortal.

Do you remember your imagination? Are you there yet? Take one more step with me, okay? Assuming you are in your kingdom of make believe, what if it were possible to further imagine another realm beyond what you can imagine? I think if that were possible then that is the place to which our imagination would carry us. Since such a place is beyond our ability to comprehend or imagine, I'm thinking that's the place where God lives. What if such a place truly existed?

When did I outgrow my imagination? I think it was about the same time I began to believe lies about myself and God. The lies are woven into the fabric of how I think. They have become incorporated into the way I live like a secret malignancy. I blindly exchanged what was real and true for something else, something hopeless. What lies? What was it that robbed me of my heart and imagination? I think the lies can be summed up into the two parents of all lies: I am not the man God says I am and that God is not who he claims to be. There was not a definitive moment in time when I stood before God, shook my fists, and called him a liar. I'm a parent and I have come to learn that what I say is far less influential than how I live. The message of my life speaks to the hearts of God, my wife, my children, and my friends. I didn't have to tell God that he had deceived me because I was living as though it were true. My words would have been an unnecessary redundancy.

I'm hoping that you don't perceive me as an infidel, apostate, or pagan. I was educated during the Christian school movement of the 1970's. I attended and graduated from a Christian university. I married the daughter of a pastor. We have been married since 1985. Together we have had and adopted six children. I teach a Sunday school class at our church. I sit in a pew near the front of my church. I am a model of North American Christianity. I did the things that I believed should have made my life "abundant" and correct. I followed the rules as outlined by the tenets of my denomination. But secretly I believed that there was something vital and fundamental missing in my life. On the horizon of my consciousness there was a place that considered my belief system and my means of making life work a lie. From afar I would look at that place and claim to myself that it wasn't true. There's too much invested, it can't all be a lie.

There came a time when events and circumstances pushed me closer and closer to my mind's horizon. As I moved ever closer I recognized a man from my youth and imagination. He spoke to the core of me when he said, "It's time to awaken. It's time to remember the secret places of your imagination. Do you want the mystery that lies beyond your ability to conceive? Will you follow me back home?"

My daughter, Ashley, was sixteen. She's the oldest. There were times when she absolutely hated me. She defied me. She had no appreciation for what her mom and I provided. On one occasion I passed her in traffic. When our eyes met, for my viewing pleasure she displayed a hand gesture that calls for the extension of one finger. It was during this time that I was asking questions of myself. What was I teaching her? What did my life show her? I didn't like the answers. Was I teaching my kids how to coexist with the "culture" instead of teaching them their roles as cultural subversives? I think I was blindly leading the way to a place without imagination. Instead of standing in the gap between the "culture" and my children, was I providing a bridge to the life it offered? At the time I would have defined her as rebellious and angry. Neither of us could understand what the anger and rebellion were about. I have a theory, however. I'm not completely convinced of it so feel free to disagree. I think that instead of defining her as a rebel she may have been better described as an insurgent. I was showing her a life without imagination and she absolutely refused to surrender. She was protecting the part of her that filled her life with wonder.

The summer before Ashley's last year of high school she became interested in going on a mission trip with AIM to Romania. Her younger sister and brother were adopted from there. I thought it would be good for her to see life as it existed outside the bubble of North American culture. The Romania I saw on my visits was dark, dirty, and desperate. Maybe she would return home with a sense of appreciation for me and the life she had because of me. The girl that went to Romania is not the same girl who returned. Something happened to her. Something seized her and she seized it. She met the Jesus who defied her imagination, not the one who fit so neatly into her dad's box. I don't mean to say that for a while after her trip there was a fire that blazed one or two weeks then just as quickly faded. She found out, as I was beginning to see for myself, that he is who he claims to be. My box could not contain him any longer. It occurs to me that maybe it was me who was in the box.

Ashley is twenty now. She lives in Guatemala City. She is employed there with the same organization that facilitated the adoptions of her brother and sister. She abandoned the American dream and chose what was real instead, her imagination. I was in Guatemala recently. I had to sign some papers pertaining to the adoption of one of the two kids my wife and I are adopting. Where else except in the land of make believe can a sister select who her next brother and sister are going to be? On the last day of my visit it was Sunday and she wanted to take me to church. The congregation met in a large room attached to a parking garage. Before we went in she told me that the service lasted a bit longer than what I may have been used to. I told her that if it became tiresome we could slip out. The worship part of the service was already underway and we stood together in front of our folding chairs. Any thought of leaving left me when I sensed God's spirit moving among the people. Try to imagine a place where a dad and his young adult daughter stand together before God worshipping him together. What if it were you and your son or daughter in that imaginary place? Those few minutes in time were a defining moment in my relationship with Ashley. I began to see her as not just my daughter any longer. I began to see her as my sister. When I consider our history of storms, battles, and tears I am humbly amazed. What an adventure this life is. My imagination pales in comparison with what God has planned.

When I was a boy my imagination told me I was mighty, brave, good, and true. I was a hero and my enemies lived in fear of me. I believed magic was real and evil would be defeated. My imagination taught me that I could kill dragons. When I was older, much older, I realized that my childhood imagination was really God showing me who I was: My name is Caleb, I am immortal, and I live in the service of the King.

Caleb

Home in the Desert

2007-11-05T19:35:00.000-05:00

To My Friend,

I think it's ironic that from time to time God invites you to join him in the desert. For me it works the other way around. I live in the desert and I'm urged toward the stream of humanity. You may wish to consider that you are made for the desert and that you have spent too much time away.

I think I know what you mean when you wrote of being "melancholy" and "shut off" from others. I call it the "longing" and the "hunger." In social situations I often push such things to the far horizon of my consciousness so that I can function in social environments. Here's my secret: I love being in the desert. I love the longing, the hunger, or the melancholy. It's here that I'm connected with a communicating God. Most of the people I encounter avoid the desert. I get the feeling that many suppress the "melancholy." They move around it, steer clear of it. I, on the other hand, can not deny it. The desert offers little comfort. It's too hot during the day, but I sit on a rock in His shadow. The nights are so cold, but there is warmth in His presence. There is nowhere else I would rather be.

But what moves me from the desert, my secret Eden? It's His agenda for me among others. His call for me is so simple. I'm Keri's husband. I'm the father of Ashley, Nick, Nicoleta, Luc, Ana, and Miguel. I'm a friend to you and a few others. I live in the desert with the One who makes my life rich, beautiful, and meaningful. When I walk out of the desert it's only to be Keri's husband, a dad to my kids, or a friend to a few. The quality of my performance of these roles (as some define quality) is not important. If I say or do something that promotes God's agenda in the lives of these people, I probably picked it up in the desert. The truth of the matter is that it is not my primary role to be the instrument of change in the lives of others. From time to time I may be the instrument in God's hand. But more often than not my wife, my children, and my friends are the instruments God uses to change me. With change there is often pain and I am reminded of the longing, the hunger, and the melancholy and then I make my way back to my secret place in the desert.

Today I picked up Nicoleta from school. She was wounded by the meanness of another child. I hugged her until she released me. I gently held her face in my hands, wiped away her tears with my thumbs, and reminded her of who she is. That's me being who God called me to be. Today it was a joy to be her dad.

It pleases me that you are going to the desert. I hope you find the shade during the day and that you are warmed by His presence at night. I'm a firm believer that God meets men where they are. But I also believe that for some of us He invites us to join Him where He is. Embrace the melancholy. God is in it and he embraces back.

Once upon a time you recommended a book. Here's a quote: "It was when I was happiest that I longed most. The sweetest thing in all my life has been the longing to find the place where all the beauty came from."
-Till We Have Faces- CS Lewis

Your friend,
Caleb (Mystic and Desert Dweller)

Have You Found the Bottom?

2007-10-21T21:18:00.000-04:00

My great regret in life is the disconnect that occurred between me and my family. I sometimes think that there is something fundamental missing in me. What happened to me? I watch the way my wife interacts with her family and I don't get it. They are interested and concerned with one another. I feel none of that. They communicate with each other on a regular basis. I rarely do. Although I don't get it, I realize that I'm the one who is maladjusted. What feels normal to me really isn't. The way my wife interacts with her family is normal. The way I interact with mine is not.

Recognizing my problem does nothing to change me. I understand that 20 something years ago I left my home and family and I never went back. To say that I'm disinterested or unconcerned with my mom, brothers, or sister isn't exactly what it is. I think I can be more accurately described as self-absorbed. Still, recognizing my problem does nothing to change me. Why did I turn out this way?

Is there someone to blame? Assigning blame to myself or someone else doesn't change the way I am. Figuring out who's at fault doesn't matter because it doesn't change me. If I could accurately attach blame what do I do then? Do I find that person and demand that they fix me?

Here's the thing that I've been able to figure out. On my own I am powerless to change myself. I need help. I am completely dependant on a strength that I don't possess. There is nothing I can do to get it. The one who is strong, the one with the power to change me will help me or he won't. There is only one thing and nothing else I can do. I must cast myself at his feet and plead for his mercy. Will he be merciful to me? I honestly don't know. I don't think a person with the capacity to show mercy obligates himself to give it just because I may beg for it or recognize my need for it. Mercy can not be claimed, it must be given by the one who is merciful.

Some people believe that if I live by a certain set of rules or code of conduct I am a more likely candidate for mercy when I need it. That is a lie. The capacity to follow the rules for any length of time is impossible. I always fail to perform well. I always need mercy. So what's the point? If the one with the strength and mercy hasn't in some way obligated himself to me and I am powerless with no right to ask him for anything what is the point in asking him or begging him for anything? The point is he loved me. He loves me. He will always love me. His love for me changes everything. It changes me. No good deed, no matter how great will enhance his love for me. No poor choice I make will diminish it. Everything and everyone I ever depended on to make my life work apart from the one with strength and mercy ruined me.

He requires one thing from me. He asks that I only believe that he is who he says he is. Do I believe? I'm not sure that immediate deliverance from my misery is what his mercy looks like. I am only certain of his love for me. My perception of my circumstances often leads me to conclude that I am abandoned and without hope. I've learned to not trust my perception. I am loved. There is hope. I have nothing else.

Our sister carefully explained to me your current circumstances. She asked me to communicate with you. She asked me to pray for you. I will. You will find strength when you truly realize you are powerless to change or heal yourself. Don't believe the lie that tells you that by yourself you are able to change.

Caleb

Guatemala Closes

2007-10-05T17:36:00.000-04:00

Dear Friends,

I'm writing to you as a man whose life was changed because of the way God used the ministry of All God's Children in my life. I have two children from Romania and two others who will soon be home from Hannah's Hope in Guatemala City. When my wife and I first began to consider international adoption we already had two children, a boy and a girl. We thought we were set, we had made our plans, all of our ducks were in a row, but God had a different agenda for us. He was about to begin a work in us that has yet to be completed. We are at His feet. We have surrendered our illusions of control and self-sufficiency. We wait only for Him. We are sure that His will is settled and that His agenda for us will come to pass just as He has planned it. He has taught us to wait. It is in the waiting that I hear Him most clearly.

If you've lived through the adoption process, you know what I'm talking about. We've walked the same road, shared the same heartaches and have learned many of the same lessons. We've learned how to miss people we've never met. It's hard to explain to someone who hasn't walked this road what happens in our heart's as we wait. Do you remember the first time you saw your adopted child in a photograph or a video? How easily they captured our heart's! The first pictures were always defining moments for me. The abstract concept of some child became this child, my child. Do you remember what that felt like?

Perhaps the most profound lesson God wanted to teach me through four adoptions was really very simple. God did not invite me to travel to far away places to rescue poor and unfortunate orphans and give them a life that can only be found in the United States. He did not invite me to assist Him in the accomplishment of His plans as though He needs my help. I wasn't asked to sacrifice thousands of dollars to do this great work for God so that He would owe me some measure of gratitude. God's agenda for me was to simply allow Him to do a great work in me. The adoption of four priceless children was just the by-product of His primary goal: changing me. He used All God's Children and the adoption process as tools and vessels to accomplish his plan for me.

As parents of adopted children, you and I are living on the receiving end of the ministry of All God's Children in North America. Our lives have been blessed and enriched because of the obedience and vision of a few. Facilitating adoptions is only part of the mission of All God's Children International. They are also a relief agency for orphaned and abandoned children in the countries where they work.

As you may have heard, until the end of the year no further adoption cases are being considered in Guatemala. At this time it is questionable as to whether cases in process will be completed. Although these present circumstances are not going to be permanent, they do present All God's Children with immediate and dire need.

Without the revenue generated by adoptions it is impossible to maintain a presence for relief in Guatemala City. Under normal conditions part of the expense of an adoption is a relief fee. That coupled with charitable contributions from people like us allow the work to go forward for those children who are not adoptable but still need care in a safe environment.

Please remember that finding homes for orphaned and abandoned children is only part of the work of All God's Children International. They are a channel of blessing and relief to children in desperate circumstances who will never be adopted. As the cessation of adoption continues, will you help All God's Children keep their doors of orphan care and relief open at Hannah's Hope in Guatemala City? Since I'm asking you to send money to All God's Children, let me add that I am not employed by AGCI or have any financial interest in their work. I'm a person whose life was touched and forever changed just as yours was. I believe in the work in Guatemala. From time to time I'm invited to demonstrate what I believe in.

Caleb

Change My Mind, Change My Heart

2007-09-23T09:28:00.000-04:00

If you are willing to participate, over the next days or months I am going to write down the way God is changing my mind about the roles he has given to me. The following regards my role as a parent in the life of my kids. Later I intend to do something similar in regard to my role as husband, friend, and employee. Your part, if you wish, is to take the time to read and think about these things and perhaps offer feedback. You are also free to forward these notes on to others who may benefit or have experience that would shed more light. By the way, feedback doesn't have to be offered in written form.

I have a significant opportunity for personal growth. To take advantage of my opportunity I must change the way I think about some things. I think my "thinking" is correct but the way I live doesn't always demonstrate what I'm supposed to know. Perhaps the real issue is whether or not I truly believe what I know. For instance, I can download software to my computer that can improve and enhance my "computing" experience. However, the enhancing and improving doesn't take effect until I install the software. Installation of new software is a tricky business. There is a certain amount of risk involved. Sometimes new software interferes with the function of other processes or causes other stuff to completely shut down. I guess what I'm saying is that I have some really good "software" downloaded to my mind but it's useless until it's installed into my heart. Do I have the courage to change my "heartdrive?"

I am in the process of changing the way I think about my role as "dad." Currently I think I am shouldering more responsibility for the kind of people my kids eventually turn out to be. With that load there is pressure to perform well. Do I pray enough? Do I encourage enough? Do I discipline effectively? How much responsibility/blame is laid at my feet for the poor choices of my older kids? Is God depending on me or am I depending on God?

I have a hard time explaining to my teenagers why the stuff of Earth that attracts them so won't really satisfy them. They have no frame of reference or catalog of experience to understand the truth. I ask God to intervene and protect my kids from their ignorance. I ask him to equip me (not help me) to be effective in this role I have chosen for myself.

This business of "free will" messes up my parenting program. As long as my kids are free to choose it doesn't matter how well equipped I am does it? I could be Dr. James Dobson to the tenth power and it wouldn't matter as long as choice remains on the table. I think my prayers for protection and intervention are just my way of asking God to give my kids a pass in the painful process of growth. My prayers seem to equal "Oh God, please see that my kids turn out well without allowing them the opportunity to choose you over this world for themselves."

I recognize that living through the consequences of ones poor choices has much to do with how God draws people to himself. I do a better job trusting that with your kids than I do with mine. I want my kids to "taste and see that the LORD is good." The reason I know something tastes good is because I've tasted stuff that was bitter. I must allow my kids to choose poorly and taste what is bitter. I use the word "allow" as though I have some measure of control in the matter.

My prayers for myself have turned out to be me trying to avoid surrendering to God those who are most precious to me. My prayers for my kids do not allow God to be who he is. They are my attempt to circumvent the necessity of personal surrender to God. God becomes a resource for the stuff I need to maintain control of the parenting process. Because I want to be the hero. I want the glory that belongs to God. Will he at least share it with me and receive a footnote of credit?

I continue to discover that my kids don't listen to me. They have no idea what a smart guy I am. I see many of our children choosing prestige and popularity over personal peace. I see them choosing money and possessions over security. I watch them surrender themselves sexually without experiencing the profound mystery of intimacy. They arrange and prepare for pleasure and excitement without the necessary ingredient for both: surprise. They are enamored and drawn to the counterfeit because it is within their reach. How does a parent explain to a child that to be filled they must first be empty? If there is going to be peace, someone is required to surrender. Dad has to go first.

While I have been asking God to empower and equip me, he has been quietly and methodically stripping me of what I would depend on apart from him: my own strength, my own wisdom, and my will. So how do I accomplish this role of "dad" now? I am trying to wrap my mind around what an utterly dependent man looks like before his children. I can't help but think I would appear defeated, weak, contemptible, and spent. For the time being I'm going to tag what I think my appearance would be as a lie. I want to change. I want to take my "parenting program" and turn it inside out.

Instead of asking God to use and equip me to draw my kids to himself, I'm going to ask him to use my kids to draw me more closely to himself. Does that look like abandonment? I think it does. I think I am called to abandon my kids to God because what I most desire for them I am powerless to give them. I want them to love, to know, and to enjoy intimacy with God. Would I rob them of that journey? How does a man impart such things to his children? Can I sit them down and give them verbal instructions as though they were lost travelers asking for directions? If I can get them to listen, will they truly hear? Do they even realize they are in need of direction? I think I know what God invites me to do as it pertains to my family. He asks me to be the man he has told me I am. The secret lies in my influence. The life I live before God is what my kids will see, hear, and remember. The key is not giving my children the map that leads to God and Jesus, but in being a map.

I don't mean to imply that boundaries for my kids will not be kept and maintained. I'm still not going to allow my daughters to leave the house in Daisy Duke shorts and halter tops. I'm not going to put my sons behind the wheels of cars built only for speed. But within the relative safety of established boundaries I will allow them to fail. I will view their failures as steps on the road that will lead them home. I will allow them to taste what is bitter so that they will recognize what tastes good when it is offered.

Caleb

For My Baby Sister

2007-08-17T19:16:00.000-04:00

I have always secretly believed that you are the best of us. You have never given me reason to doubt that. Can I tell you that you never disappointed me? I always believed in you. You inspire me. You may wonder how I can say such things when I know of the dark places you have been. You see, I was powerless to help you. In my weakness I had a choice. I could choose to say, "No wonder she turned out this way. Look at where she came from." What I chose to believe was that what I always secretly believed was true: you are the best of us. You found the bottom and were not content to remain there. You are, in every sense of the word, a miracle.

As it concerns"Fathers Day," I had no idea of your struggles then. My memory almost always casts me in the most favorable light. I wonder if I would have sought for you had I known. I have no excuse, I should have known. Our mother raised me to be supremely independent. I was not to need or concern myself with others. She was trying to help me avoid pain and heartbreak. I remember a moment in time when she let me see something of herself. I was young, a teenager. We were standing in the laundry room, just off the garage. I forget why we were there but her words and tears are forever branded in my mind. She told me that when she was very young the best thing in her life was taken from her: our father. Even then our father's memory grieved her. She told me that she floundered for a long time. She wasn't sure if she could make it with three small children. Eventually she remarried. Perhaps she shouldn't have I don't know. I am certain that she stayed married for us. Her message to me was don't need anyone and don't give your heart away. I followed her instructions. I discovered much later that I wasn't a participant in life but a spectator. I figured out that if I wanted to live I was going to have to risk what I was taught to protect: my heart. God has used people to give me profound joy. On the other hand it has been people who have brought me to my knees. If I want one I must live through the other.

From here I have watched you learn how to be happy. I talk to people who wish for something else so that they can be happy. Some wish for a different spouse. Others wish for different activities to fill their days. They believe the lie that says happiness lies in getting what I want. You have shown me that you believe that happiness is being content with what you have. I'm convinced that most people don't really know what they want. They just think they do. I think this is true because once they get what they want they realize, "Hmm, it made me feel good for a while now the feeling is gone." People who think conclude that "happiness" must be an illusion. I suppose happiness that depends on having what I want is an illusion.

You made some profoundly negative remarks about yourself in your comment. Don't let what happened define you. You are not or have you ever been the person you described. You are a good woman. You are brave and strong. I can't get over your victory.

I understand now that you lived through the worst of what happened ten years ago. I only arrived when the dust began to settle. I'm sorry if what I wrote minimized you and the difficult role you played during that time. Incidentally, I remember that you did meet me at a restaurant for lunch when I came down.

I hope one day soon I can see you. I want to see your eyes when we talk. I want to hear your laughter. And no apologies, okay?

I love you.

Your Brother,
C

The End of the Road

2007-08-12T19:31:00.000-04:00

After I returned home from lunch I took a nap. It was Sunday. There was nothing I could do about my truck so I went to sleep. While I was sleeping Nick and my neighbor's son-in-law removed the bumper and smashed front fender. Now the truck would at least roll without miscellaneous parts obstructing the tires.

The next morning Nick went to work. He caught a ride with one of the boys he works with. First I went about the business of getting the flats fixed. I then took the truck to a body shop in Ooltewah recommended by Robert the car towing math teacher. After a brief inspection I was told the truck's frame was bent, in other words totaled. Actually it was repairable but the cost would be greater than the vehicles worth. I was referred to another shop close by that may be able to do it at a lesser cost. The other shop told me the same thing.

Remember Larry? He's the guy we use to find cars for us. He's a partner in a pay-by-the-week used car lot in East Ridge. As I drove the wrecked truck home I decided to call him to see if he could find someone to buy it for parts. Your mom, however, spoke with him first. He recommended that we bring the truck to his lot so his body man could have a look at it first. It may be that it could be fixed.

I had to coordinate with your mom to meet me there so that I would have a ride home. I asked Luc if he wanted to go for a ride. He really didn't want to but I persuaded him to go. Since the truck wasn't in the best shape I decided to take the back way into East Ridge by way of Graysville and Indian Springs. You may remember that as the way to Granny Baldwin's house where you spent so much time as a baby and little girl.

Shortly after getting on East Brainerd Road it felt and sounded like I had a flat tire. I pulled over into the parking lot of West View Baptist Church to check it out. I couldn't find the source of the noise or a flat tire so Luc and I continued on. I was apprehensive now because I was unsure if the truck would even make it to East Ridge. It was this thought that prompted me to reach for my cell phone and the reassurance that it provided in case the truck died. I found that I left it home.

"Luc, let me give you a piece of advice."

"Okay."

"Never leave home in a car without a phone, especially if you think the car may break down." Sometimes dads are such geniuses. Most of what we know comes from the experience of doing stuff wrong.

Suddenly it felt as though I hit a pot hole in the road. Impossible, I thought, because my knuckles were tightly grasping the steering wheel. I was paying careful attention.

"Dad, you just hit a huge bump!"

"No son, I didn't. The back wheel just came off."

By an act of God I was able to get the truck over to the side of the road. I wish I had a phone. I found that the lug nuts on the absent wheel were sheared off. Think of it like this. Imagine grasping a lug nut attached to a wheel. Now imagine pulling the lug nut off, not twisting it off, but pulling it off destroying the threads. So that's why you don't want to drive a vehicle with a bent frame.

There were some Mexican hombres doing road work nearby and one let me use his cell phone. I called your mom to let her know that I wasn't going to make it to Larry's. I asked her to have Larry send me a wrecker.

Luc and I waited for your mom on the side of Highway 41. As we leaned on the guard rail Luc updated me on the local weather conditions.

"It's hot out here. Why isn't there any shade around here? This is so boring." Kids are such a delight sometimes.

By the time we got the car to the lot it was closed so we had to wait until Tuesday to get any information about the truck. I'm no expert but I was certain that the car was beyond repair. I was hoping that Larry could find a junk yard to buy my truck.

The next day, Kenny, Larry's partner told me he found someone to buy my truck for $500.

The stuff that happened later I'll talk about later.

Letter to My Friends

2007-08-07T13:18:00.000-04:00

Dear Friends,

Ten years ago this past Father's Day I had to make an unplanned trip to Florida. My dad had just died. As I think about that time I remember the most difficult part. It wasn't the stuff I would have thought of in advance, like the visitation time, funeral, or graveside service. My mother would have none of those things: too dark, too bleak, too phony. My dad was not a beloved man. Questions are really quite useless to ask. Answers only lead to more questions.

I have three other siblings. At the time they all lived nearby to my parents. I was the only one who came to see my mom. I still don't understand. Questions are really quite useless. Answers only lead to more questions.

You left a message for me on my voice mail explaining that you would be in Birmingham for the next several days so you would not make our usual appointment. That's when I was reminded of what for me was the most difficult part of my dad's passing. It was the part I had to do alone. It was the sifting through the artifacts of someone else's life deciding what had residual value for me.

I sat on the floor of the closet in my parents' bedroom. In the corner on the floor I saw a ball cap my dad wore the last time we went fishing together. I caught a fish that day. I saw the shirt my dad wore the last time he and my mom took Keri and I out to eat in Chattanooga. In a dusty shoe box I found an old wrist watch he used to wear. My dad had in my eyes the biggest wrists that I ever saw. They were a man's wrists. They were big and powerful. My wrists are thin and weak. I wish I had wrists like his. It's strange the things that we attach meaning to. In the box I also found a letter I had written to my dad sometime during the previous months before he died.

At some point my mom told me to take whatever I wanted because Goodwill was coming to collect the rest. There was nothing that I wanted. I didn't come to scavenge his belongings. I told my mom that I would take the old ball cap in the corner and one or two of his shirts. She made sure I found the shoe box. She told me that he kept that letter on his nightstand until he lost his mind to the pain medicine. My dad put the wrist watch in the box because he wanted me to have it. I told my mom that I didn't understand why he would want me to have his watch. My mom told me that it was my dad's impression from me that I had always admired it although I never said so. She told me that my dad told her that on several occasions he saw me looking at it while he wore it. It was never the watch that I wanted or admired so. It was his wrists. I wanted something from my dad that he couldn't give me and that I was powerless to obtain for myself. That in a nutshell is the story of my relationship with my dad.

I remember thinking recently that I understand my dad better now than I did ten years ago when I sat on the floor of his closet. Most of who he was is still a mystery to me. I admit that there's some lingering anger and bitterness on my part but then I remember his wrists and I am calmed. You see he wanted to give me his watch because he thought that's what I wanted. If he could have he would have given me his wrists. In my mind and in my heart my dad has become a beloved man.

I'm mindful of you during this time of loss. I wish I could help in some way. I understand that there's some places we have to walk alone. I love you guys. Please find a transcript of the note I found in my dad's dusty shoe box.

Sincerely,
Caleb

______________________________

Dear Dad,

Please excuse me for not getting a card. I couldn't find one that seemed appropriate. I hope you don't mind a few words from me.

I worry about whether your heart and mind are at peace. I pray every day that you are. Some people say that when we die.....that's it. There is nothing else, the lights go out and everything is over. Still others believe that when we die our soul waits around to be reborn. I believe that when I die I will meet God and His son Jesus Christ. It will not be the end but the beginning. I hope you have trusted Christ and are prepared to see Him.

I'm not prepared to let you go. There is some unresolved stuff between us. I wish you would forgive me for the times I was wrong and did not admit it.

Before you leave this place know this: You are my Dad and I am your son. I will miss you. Be sure that I am praying for you. Every day I ask God to take care of you. Until I see you again.....

Your son,
Caleb

The Next Day

2007-08-06T15:15:00.000-04:00

After returning home I went back to bed. I'm amazed now that I was able to go back to sleep. I had a huge mess to clean up in the morning.

The following morning Nick and I went to the service station in the heart of downtown Ooltewah. After explaining the situation we were told that since the mishap involved some damage to Mr. Longley's fence we would have to first notify the police of the incident before my truck could be recovered from the creek bed. The local police station was close by but they were closed. Remember where I am. There was a phone in a box connected to the wall just outside the entrance to the police department. Whoever it was I spoke to said an officer would be there presently to help us.

Sgt. Hannah soon arrived. I had a not altogether pleasant experience with Officer Hannah on a previous encounter I had with him. He didn't seem to recognize me. Based on our story he wasn't completely sure if my truck was within the city limits or not. He knew of Mr. Longley but explained that some of his property was in the county. He asked us to follow him over there. If the truck was in his jurisdiction he would handle the situation. If not he would call a county sheriffs deputy to the site. Since my truck was so far off the road Sgt. Hannah passed it. We stopped however and waited for him to double back. When he made it back he concluded that we were within the city limits so he would handle the situation.

In the light of day my poor truck looked much worse than it did last night. The driver's side front end was mashed against the side of creek's bank. I figured it was probably totalled. Nick climbed into the drivers seat and I was surprised to hear the motor start. Hmm, maybe there's some hope of getting my old truck back on the road.

Around this time old farmer Longley drove up to the crash site. To say he was old is an understatement. He looked like Yoda from the Star Wars movies dressed in bib overalls. He sounded, however, like Carl of Slingblade fame. Needless to say he was nearly completely deaf. Any vocal communication had to be shouted at him. He hobbled down to the truck and struck up a shouting match with Nick while I answered questions for Sgt. Hannah. The exchange between Mr. Longley and Nick was not heated. I guess Mr. Longley lived with the idea that everyone is as deaf as he is so consequently he shouted. To get Mr. Longley to hear, Nick had to shout back. At the time it was frustrating. As I write this a week later it's a bit comical to me.

From where I was standing I could hear a lot of "slow downs," "slick roads," and "sharp curves." Nick and Yoda, I mean Mr. Longley, came back to the roadside with me and Sgt. Hannah. Sgt. Hanah had questions for Nick so I got to shout at Farmer Longley.

"I wasn't too hard on your boy," he shouted in that Slingblade voice.

"I don't think you were," I said.

"What!"

"I DON'T THINK YOU WERE!"

I wasn't about to have a conversation with this guy like this. I decided I would nod or shake my head to keep from raising my voice.

"I've had hundreds of people lose control and end up in my pasture. Your boy is the only one who got so far in and walked out."

By this time Sgt. Hannah was done talking to Nick and had called the wrecker service where Nick and I began our morning. He asked Mr. Longley if he knew how much it would be to repair his fence. One hundred dollars was what he "reckoned" it would cost. I tried to tell him I would come by his place later to pay him. I'm not sure he heard me. Sgt. Hannah told me that I was lucky that he didn't want to call a fencing company and a landscaper for his yard. $100 was a deal under the circumstances. I agreed. He asked Nick to step away so he and I could talk.

"Why didn't you call us last night when the incident occurred?"

"It didn't occurr to me to call. The truck was well off the road. Mr. Longley wasn't available so we went home. If the service station man hadn't told me it was necessary I never would have called."

He went on to explain the finer points of the law and property damage. Oh well, my bad.

"I really don't have to write Nick a ticket under the circumstances but I think it would be valuable for him to attend defensive driving school."

I agreed.

"I have to write a ticket for him to go. The cost is $50 and when he's done the ticket is expunged and not made a part of his driving record. Prior to his appearance in court I'll speak with the judge and arrange a decent brow beating for Nick in open court."

Sgt. Hannah was prepared to allow your brother to walk away. I couldn't. It didn't seem right. I asked him to issue the ticket. On August 29, at 8:00 Nick has his day in court. I have to go with him.

The man we originally spoke to at the service station was the one who came to fish my truck out of the creek bed. His shirt said his name was Robert. As he went about the business of connecting chains and winching cables he told me he was a math teacher at the high school. He towed cars for the service station during the summers. Is this a small town or what? As Sgt. Hannah, Nick and I stood by we watched Robert the math teacher try to get my truck out of the creek bed. If you ever find yourself in a ditch understand in advance that the removal of your car from the ditch does as much damage to your vehicle as putting it there did. After about fifteen minutes of grinding gears and smoking winches Robert concluded that my truck was too firmly embedded in the creek bed to be removed with his wrecker.

"I'll be back in ten minutes with a different wrecker."

Sgt. Hannah took this opportunity to leave as well.

Robert returned with a different wrecker and again began the process of extracting my truck from the creek bed. The sound of straining metal and my undercarriage scraping the ground knotted my stomach. As the front end emerged from creek bed I saw that the front bumper was wrapped around a front tire, locking the wheels in a hard right turn. Both tires on the driver's side were flat. Now that the truck was out of the creek bed, I wondered how Robert would get the truck on the back of his wrecker with my front wheels locked in a right turn. I didn't have to consider the question long. He dragged it up into the bed of the wrecker. Ouch!

I instructed Robert to leave my truck in our driveway. The morning was disappearing and I had to make it to church.

More Later.........

Wet Roads, Speed, and a Curfew

2007-08-01T20:13:00.000-04:00

"Caleb, wake up!"

I'm not the guy who awakens gradually or peacefully. I was up and reaching for my pants before my mind was fully engaged. As I fumbled about in the dark looking for something for my feet, my mind began to sputter into life.

"What's wrong? What am I doing?"

"Nick's been in an accident."

"Oh no, is he okay?"

"He's fine but your truck is in a ditch."

I started to believe that I was still asleep and all of this was just a dream. Wishful thinking, I suppose.

"Let's go get him but you drive, I'm still half asleep," I said.

As your mom drove me, I had many thoughts and questions that I dreaded the answers to. They mostly were about the condition of my vehicle. By this time I knew your brother was fine because he was directing your mom to his location via cell phone. It was very dark. He was somewhere in Collegedale near a farm. As we crept along the wet two-lane rural blacktop, it occurred to me that I had no idea where I was. I had never been on this road before. What was Nick doing out here? His present location was no where on his approved "flight plan" for the evening.

"What's he doing out here?" I asked.

"I have no idea but I'm sure he's coming up with something that he thinks we'll buy."

Our high beams caught the reflection of a car parked on the grass just off the roadway. Then a group of people and Nick became visible. We had reached ground zero but there was no ditch with a pick-up truck in it. We pulled over behind the car and I stepped out onto the wet grass. It had stormed earlier that evening and I could feel the humidity clinging to my skin. Nick and I saw each other and we walked toward each other.

"Where's the truck?"

"It's over there."

He was pointing in a direction well off the road that was shrouded in complete darkness.

"Show me."

The pitch black began to retreat as we slogged through the wet muddy grass. With each step I could see a little better. I remember wishing I had worn shoes instead of flip-flops. We were on the edge of someones cow pasture.

"There it is," Nick said.

I turned back to the road and estimated that we had walked about fifty yards from the road. I turned back to the truck and saw that it was completely installed in the ditch. The cars I usually encounter in ditches are normally situated nose down with the back end still exposed. From time to time just one side of the car goes into the ditch, leaving the other side pointed toward the sky. Nick had found a way to parallel park in his ditch. The fit was so snug that the doors of the truck would not open.

"How did you get out?" I asked.

"I crawled through the driver's window and walked across the hood to get back to this side of the ditch."

I continued to mentally process and inspect the scene. I saw that he tore down a section of barb wire fencing on his way to the ditch. It also became clear that he wasn't really in a ditch at all. Ditches are located at a road's edge not fifty or so yards off the road. My truck was in a creek bed inside somebody's cow yard. From it's present placement I couldn't determine the extent of the damages. I did decide that it was pretty "tore up." Now it was time for me to ask questions in a normal tone of voice while your brother responded with answers that remind me of the substance normally left behind by male bovines.

"Are any of the people by the road the owners of this property?"

"No, the owner lives a quarter mile down the road."

"How do you know?"

"A lady over there says she knows him."

"Has anyone gone to see him?"

"No but we did try to call him. The lady said that he is very old and isn't easily wakened after he goes to bed."

Now I began to ask the questions I really wanted the answers to.

"How did you get from over there on the road to all the way over here?"

"Once the truck left the road I lost control of it in the grass and mud."

"What do you suppose could have prevented the truck from entering the creek bed?"

"If your truck were equipped with off-road tires perhaps I would've kept it out of the creek."

I began to think that perhaps your brother's current dilemma was my fault because the truck was poorly equipped. I continued with my questions. The key to obtaining truthful answers from your brother is to already know what the answers are. I'm not the quickest draw in the west but anyone could have seen he was traveling far too fast for the conditions of the road. The posted speed limit was 30 mph. If I already knew the answers to my questions what was the point of the whole "interview" process? I wanted to see if he would claim personal responsibility for his recent choices. I've found that I can't attach another with blame. The blame or responsibility must be picked up by the one who owns it.

"What are you doing out here?"

"I have a friend who recently moved out here. I was invited to see his new place."

"Who's the friend?"

"Tyler M."

Tyler is three years older than Nick. He dropped out of high school two years ago. Circumstances last summer led me to decide that Nick was no longer permitted to hang out with him. It's a long story involving Marlboro Lights, adult beverages, and various articles of female under garments left behind at a camp site.

"It was understood that Tyler was not on your approved list of associates. Why then would you come out here already knowing you shouldn't?"

"I knew you would not have permitted it."

"You're right. If you would have followed my instructions you would not be in this mess." Rats! I broke my own rule. I hung the blame for his illicit visit to Tyler's on him. I should have allowed him to pick it up himself.

"Tell me how the truck got off the road."

"When I approached that curve over there I realized that I was going too fast because I began to slide off the road."

Maybe I was getting somewhere now. Maybe Nick was waking up.

"Do you recall how fast you were driving?"

"I think maybe around 50 mph."

Hmm, he's lucky to be conscious and standing here talking to me. He's fortunate that he wasn't killed if his estimation of his speed was accurate. I was glad your mom stayed with car by the road. She certainly would have vapor locked.

"You're lucky you aren't dead."

"Yeah, I know."

"You don't know Jack S#%t" I thought only to myself. I could see that his personal sense of mortality was not something I was going to tackle right now.

"Why would you drive so fast?"

"I was trying to make curfew."

"Maybe you should have started for home earlier."

"Maybe mom should have given me a fifteen minute extension."

In the events that followed I never asked your mom to verify this part of his story. I forgot about it.

"Did you call and ask your mom for an extension?"

"Yes, but she said no."

"Don't you think it would have made more sense to drive safely and be late?"

"If I'm late then for a week I can only drive back and forth to work."

I was starting to think that the unreasonableness of an 11:00 curfew was the cause of Nick's trouble. I think he believes that. I don't think it occurred to your brother that there's a county ordinance that mandates an 11pm curfew for people his age.

"What time is it?" I asked.

"Just after midnight."

"Looks like you missed your curfew."

"How am I going to go to work? What am I going to do now?"

"You're on your own son. I know how you're getting to work and I know what you are going to do. The problem is if I tell you the answers then in your brain it becomes my fault. You made this happen not me. You made one poor decision after the other tonight. You created these new problems, so you figure out how you're going to manage them."

"You suck, you're an a$$h013!"

"From anyone else I would be insulted, so thank you."

"Huh?"

"Let's go up and see if we can wake up that farmer."

After talking with the people on the roadside I understood that there was probably no point in rousing the old farmer, Mr. FG Longley. We wouldn't be able to remove the truck until morning anyway. One of the ladies said that she would call him early and let him know what was going on. I thanked her for her help and went home with your mom and brother.

More later..........

Smiles from the Third World

2007-06-27T13:02:00.000-04:00

Ashley and Isabella

Gender Convergence

2007-06-26T16:36:00.000-04:00

I think sometimes I walk on the edge in the dark, metaphorically speaking that is. Has this ever happened to you? The other day I was about my normal routine of working, parenting, and housekeeping. Yes, I confess, housekeeping. I am a victim of the recently named phenomenon called "gender convergence." Have you heard of that? Traditionally (back in the day) in family situations there were certain roles that men and women played. Normally the woman cooked, cleaned house, went to PTA, took the kids to the doctor.....you get the picture. The man on the other hand worked outside of the home and provided the income for the family. At the end of the work day he would come home exhausted, strip down to his boxers, throw back the lever of his Lazy Boy, crack open a cold one, and watch the evening news. Uh, your experience of normal and traditional may vary but I think you get the point that the roles of men and women were fairly well-defined.

As society evolved the roles of men and women began to merge. It began as more and more women entered the work force. To keep the wheels of family life turning men began to assume some of the duties traditionally described as "women's work." Of course the roles of men and women have not completely intermingled. My wife has yet to come home from work, drop her laundry at the front door, throw back the lever of the Lazy Boy, and crack open a cold one. One can only wish, besides we don't even own a Lazy Boy.

______________________

What was I talking about? Oh yeah, I was about my normal routine (described above) when a thought entered my brain. It was just like this, take note of the pronouns. "What are you going to do when you close your eyes in death and then open them in what comes next only to discover that you were deceived? What will you say when your Jesus is not there to meet you? Or even better, what if your eyes close in death and all thought and consciousness are lost forever?"

When thoughts go through my mind I usually think in terms of me, my, mine, and I. Do you know what I mean? For instance, when planning my next move I think "What will I do next?" not "What will you do next?" Has anyone had such a thought? It was as though someone (or something) tossed a grenade over the hedge into my yard (mind). I suppose I could have ignored the "thought," but I didn't. I analyzed it. I walked around it, inspecting it, thinking about it. It seemed like such a fair question. I decided on my answer and rehearsed it to myself.

If there is a "what comes next," and Jesus isn't there I suppose I would forever lament that what should have been true wasn't. On the other hand it's a moot point. Moot? Yep, because for me I know that my redeemer lives, and at last he will stand upon the earth: and after my skin even this body is destroyed, then without my flesh shall I see God; whom I, even I, shall see on my side, and my eyes shall behold, and not as a stranger (thanks Job). There's nothing like a small tactical nuke to brighten the day of another.

I wonder what I should make for dinner? I'm not sure I like "gender convergence" but I will not play the victim. I will find value in the prospect that one day I may be able to get that Lazy Boy for my wife.

Caleb

PS Has anyone seen MK?

Concerning Your Brother

2007-06-25T10:47:00.000-04:00

Not too long ago your mom told me that your brother called and wanted to stay longer. No one had to tell me why he wanted that. I immediately thought that he must have met a girl. It was just intuitive. I had nothing to base my conclusion on. I know a little about young men and with that knowledge I arrived at a conclusion. It's funny because we told others that your brother was staying longer. Just about all of them said, "He met a girl, didn't he?" Even if I had known that what I thought was true, I would not have prevented him from staying. Your brother will come home as planned. He will in all likelihood return with a broken heart. He will own the consequences of his choices. I expect him to ask me or your mom for another extension to his visit. I will say no as you will. There's no point in delaying what must be. I further expect him to mask his pain with anger when he returns. Oh well, been there done that. I guess I can keep on doing it.

I'm interested and hopeful to see what your brother does with his brokenness. Will he surrender or will the battle for his heart continue? Will the good shepherd find him in the darkness? I love your brother but he can't hear me. Does he listen to you? Have you pointed out the eventual outcome of the circumstances he has helped to create? Is it too late?

Concerning Your Sister

2007-06-25T09:05:00.000-04:00

The thing I think I have the most difficulty communicating to my kids is that the stuff that truly satisfies is not within their reach. Sometimes I'm the source of the difficulty. I want to bring my kids to Jesus but I don't think that is his way of accomplishing his agenda. The shepherd does not place himself on the side of life's road waiting for lost and wandering sheep to pass him. He sets out himself to find them. Will he find all of you? Sometimes I find it difficult to see the difference between influence and control. I am in a place of profound influence and absolutely no control. I fear the darkness that he will allow in the lives of my children as he sets his will on them.

Soon your younger sister will be lost to me as your brother is. She dabbles and trifles with things that provide no meaning or direction. She is beginning to realize that she is hungry and thirsty. Her journey to relief and painlessness has begun. I had to take her somewhere this morning and we had this brief exchange.

"Can I tell you something that I have found to be true?"

"Okay."

"You will soon begin to understand that you have needs that you'll want to satisfy. You'll want others to like you and love you. You'll want to be important to others. You'll want to matter and be a part of something that fills you up."

I took my eyes from the road for a moment to look at her. Our eyes met and I realized she had not tuned me out. She was still listening so I continued.

"Often teenage girls and young women will think that their needs can be met by another person, most often that person is a boy or young man. It works in much the same way for boys too. They think that the thing that will satisfy them is the right girl. It is not unusual for young people to give themselves away to another in an effort to satisfy their hearts."

"I know it's God's job to do that, right?"

"That's exactly right."

"You're a good dad, I'll do the right thing."

"Thanks sweetie, but it doesn't matter if I was a good parent or not. Ultimately, you are responsible for your choices. People decide all the time to do what's wrong even though they know better. Knowing better doesn't matter if you don't decide to do better."

We arrived where I was to leave her, she collected her stuff and got out of the car. Before she closed the door she told me that she loved me. "I love you too." Then she was gone. As of today she loves me. Soon she will tell me that she hates me, just as you did, just as your brother did. Soon she will blame me for her misery. I think I can live with that. I hope and trust that she emerges from the darkness free. Just like you.

Father's Day

2007-06-16T22:28:00.000-04:00

I came home from work and got the call. I was standing in the kitchen using a phone that was actually wired to the wall. It was my mom, your grandmother. She called to tell me that my dad had died. That was ten years ago today.

Not as Long as I Thought

2007-06-14T19:42:00.000-04:00

It should be an international law that the adoption process should not take more than forty-two weeks. I mean it just makes sense. How does one explain to an eleven year old girl that the delay has nothing to do with her or our commitment to bring her home? I wish I could talk to her. I wish I could hold her. Don't worry we won't give up. We never give up. Your mom asked why we do this, why we put ourselves through this. I told her it was because we have something extra. We both know that we wouldn't change a thing no matter how hard it gets. I understand that this is God telling us his story of our love for Ana. I'm not sure if you've been on the road long enough to understand. Keep on living baby girl, one day you will.

I came downstairs because I heard your mom talking on the phone to someone at the "office." Her expression and tone told me everything I needed to know. She tried to hold it together but for the most part failed. When she hung up the phone the tears came more easily and I held her for those moments. I felt myself choking up and for just a minute we cried together. Your mom cried for Ana, but I cried for your mom.

When you left home I remember thinking that eventually everything would come full-circle. My kids will grow up and everything will be just as it began, just your mom and me. What does God have for us in that future I wonder? Will the adventure be just as grand?

I would really like to hear from you. What are your impressions of your brother? What kind of man is he becoming? He hides his heart so effectively from me. What does he fear? I wonder why it is that the people my children really are I hear about from others. I hope you two have a great friendship. Thanks for allowing him to stay a while longer. Do you think he likes it there or just dislikes it here? Since the both of you decided to get tattoos, I'm glad you did it together. I can't believe I just said that.

I love you too much,

D

My Own Private Jerusalem

2007-05-28T13:54:00.000-04:00

It's been a week since I returned from Guatemala. I didn't get sick this time. On all of my previous visits I did. It seems that I always found a way to ingest something that played havoc with my inward parts. I didn't mention it before because whatever I experienced physically was insignificant when compared with what was going on in my heart. The fact is I didn't want to go this last time. I was just there in March. The main reason for the trip was to sign papers in person that could possibly shave time from the waiting process. The chances are that the trip did no good at all except to deepen my love for the ones I went to see. Oops, I may have just tripped over God's agenda.

Trips to Guatemala usually effect me physically much as the world and North American culture does spiritually. Much of what the environment in Guatemala offers to me is quite simply toxic. It makes me sick. What do I do to prevent myself from becoming ill? I make rules for myself. Any food source that has come in contact with the local water supply can not be eaten. Avoiding water is a tough one. Most eating establishments are off limits. The plague of invisible and unfamiliar bacteria is everywhere. What may be clean and safe to a native may be poison to me. Do not even think of getting behind the wheel of an automobile. There are many places in Guatemala City where I can not go because I'm an outsider. Just arriving at such a place accidentally may cost me my life. What my rules really do is isolate me. What I need is a knowledgeable guide as I travel in a foreign country. Not all water in Guatemala is bad, not all food is tainted, and not all unfamiliar places are unsafe. I wish I had a guide who could help me avoid what is bad and lead me to what is good. What does that make you think about? A guide could help me live among what is harmful and lead me around the pitfalls. The problem is I'm not sure I can trust a guide with my well-being. Ask me how I know this.

I came home to find vivid reminders that I live in a place that is not really home. Children stand in the road dumbly staring into the headlights of destruction. Adults are drinking from the local water supply. They are feeding their appetites in places that sicken them. They don't listen to the guide. They think their heart is their guide. If my heart tells me to rebel against the authority of my parents or to break the most fundamental vows of family life, then my heart is wrong....every single time. I'm not sure everyone I know is on the same page when it comes to defining what the heart is. Telling people to listen to and to obey their hearts is much like telling them to put a loaded gun to their temple and to begin pulling the trigger until something happens. My natural heart and it's desires without the overriding influence of the guide has the potential to destroy me. Much of what I'm doing here is learning to recognize the difference between what my old heart wants and what the new heart the guide has given me wants. I sometimes have difficulty recognizing the difference. When in doubt I can refer to the guidebook or to other more seasoned travelers. Trusting my heart is a roll of the dice at best.

My Own Private Jerusalem

2007-05-21T20:32:00.000-04:00

Just got home from Guate-hoochie. I read my favorite bloggers and now I'm going to bed--- more later with stunning photos!!

A Note to the Teacher

2007-05-11T14:56:00.000-04:00

Before Nicoleta was a year old a young woman who claimed to be her mother abandoned her at a small pediatric hospital in a remote village in Romania. She remained in that hospital until she was four years old. For over three years she was confined to a crib that she shared with a little boy named Coco. She was never taken outside to play. There was no one who spoke to her. There was no one who held her. Her crib provided no view of what was outside. She never felt the sun on her face or the grass under her feet. She never heard the birds sing or the wind blowing through the trees. During this time she never had a taste of solid food. She was given a bottle in the morning and at bedtime. Her only human contact was with Coco and the impersonal nurse who changed her diaper and brought her bottle.

Do you know what normally happens to babies who live in such conditions for an extended period of time? It's not unusual for them to lose their mind. They may become sociopaths
or psychopaths. Sometimes they simply lose their will to live and quietly die. Why was Nicoleta spared? Why does she not demonstrate the signs of neglect from her early childhood? Why did she continue to thrive in the face of such adversity? I sometimes think about things like that.

Communication is a fine art. Often the things we say are not received in the way that we intend. We mean to say something constructive and it is perceived by the listener as degrading. It's also important to note that the way we speak to another communicates a message. Let me respectfully remind you that our communication with children and teenagers has a profound impact on them. Sometimes our kids believe lies about themselves that they think they are hearing from us. It is not unusual for people to define themselves based on what they believe others thought of them during their formative years.

Over the past several days you have communicated with Nicoleta in such a way that she has perceived as humiliating and berating. She believes that her value to you is measured by her academic performance. She further believes that your opinion of her will never improve because she will not be a star performer in the classroom. I really don't think that you intended to make Nicoleta feel unacceptable to you. In fact I choose to believe the opposite is true. One day Nicoleta will learn and rest in the truth that acceptance by another is never earned. Either a person freely and unconditionally accepts another or they don't, we have no control in the matter. Living up to the expectations of another doesn't mean that we are accepted by them.

I think that sometimes I make my kids believe that my love and acceptance of them is based on how well they keep their bedroom neat and tidy or how well they did on their last progress report. We have to be careful don't we? Everyday life with it's endless routines and demands blinds us to the opportunities we have with our kids.

I didn't know if you were familiar with Nicoleta's background or not but her discouragement lately caused me to remember it and share it with you. I don't seize every opportunity offered to me but I took this one. I reminded Nicoleta of the truth of who she really is. She is not defined by her performance. It doesn't matter if she nails a difficult tumbling feat or does poorly in school. Those things don't matter. I reminded her that she was divinely protected as a baby and small child. God has something planned especially for her that I can't begin to imagine. She is special. She must be special. These things are equally true of your kids and those you encounter every day at school.

I know that demanding excellence from our kids is important but it's not the most important thing. Every once in a while I need to be reminded of that. How about you?

Thanks for taking the time.

Sincerely,
Caleb

Back to Paradise

2007-05-09T19:10:00.000-04:00

I found out today that I'm going to Guatemala Thursday. The time has finally come when we can sign power of attorney for Miguel's case. I'm so excited about jumping through another flaming hoop of third world bureaucracy.

I Remember Mexico

2007-05-01T19:03:00.000-04:00

I often wonder about you guys and where the journey has taken you. I was reading Ashley's Xanga when I spotted your names on her site. I saw your names and remembered God's faithfulness to you and Ashley. It's important to remember what is past.

As followers of Jesus, his plan for us is to become more and more like him. He teaches us, he guides us, and his spirit fills us bringing his plan for us to pass. I believe that becoming the image of Jesus is the most important thing. I remind Ashley that being a missionary is not God's primary goal for her. I tell her that missions is his tool for drawing her ever closer to himself. Our obedience to his call is not for his benefit. He can accomplish his plan for others without us. Our obedience to his call is for our benefit. We need him, not the other way around. I say these things because sometimes ministry is so draining. When God is visibly moving we are energized but when he seems absent it's easy to become discouraged and to question his call on our lives. Why is that? Do we feel responsible for results? I think sometimes we do. The good news is we are not responsible to do what only God is capable of doing. He uses us because it pleases him to do so not because we are necessary. I find so much relief in just being his child. I'm his child not his partner. Think of a clumsy young son who just wants to help his daddy. That's me. Since I have kids of my own, I recognize that I probably get in the way more than I contribute to the divine agenda.

So as you chase after God remember what is true. He wants your heart not your good works. Besides if your works are truly good then it is Jesus living his life through you. If that's true then who wouldn't follow him anywhere?

Caleb, aka Ashley's dad

Where am I?

2007-04-30T00:10:00.000-04:00

Friends,

In the 25th Psalm David asks God to teach him, to lead him, and to show him his way. As followers of God, don't we ask for the same thing? We want to become like Jesus. We ask God to teach and guide us. We ask him to help us become more like him. When am I the most apt to pay attention? When am I the most teachable? What is God trying to teach me? What is the essence of being like Jesus?

I pay closer attention when my circumstances are difficult. I am most teachable during hardship. It's ironic that when hard times occur I don't see them as an answer to prayer but as some kind of judgement from God. I have to admit that some, if not most, of my difficulty is just the natural consequence of my poor choices. It's hard to complain to God when I harvest what I have sown. I do anyway. I bet my complaints sound to him much like a whining child does to me. Sometimes things happen that have nothing to do with what I have done. Do you think God introduces difficulty into our lives as an answer to our prayers to become like Jesus? Are there people who learn best when their sails are full of wind and their seas are calm?

When I see difficult circumstances appear, I don't embrace them as prayers answered. I see them as pain to be avoided or medicated. I short-circuit the process of what I desire most. Here's the thing. The process of killing what I was and becoming what God wants is not painless. It hurts. As I become more alive in Christ there's another part of me that is dying a slow painful death.

During hard times I try to manage. I complain. My actions demonstrate a refusal to accept from God what I have asked him to help me do. I'm starving but I refuse to eat. I'm thirsty but I won't drink. How patient he is with me! Sometimes God allows me to manage on my own. He doesn't force me to eat or drink what he knows to be good for me. My self-management doesn't really bring me any relief it just takes me deeper into a dark pit. How far can I sink before I hit the bottom? In Lamentations 3 the prophet Jeremiah spoke to God from the "bottom of the pit." He recognized that God was his "portion." What does that mean? He realized that his "portion" was all that he needed and all that he had left. That's where I am going, but I think I'm going the long way.

I'm learning that all I need is God. That's what he wants to teach me if I will but embrace the lesson and not avoid it, deflect it, or refuse it. I imagine God's love for me as just warm and tender. I expect his love to make me feel that way. Although God's love for me is always warm and tender, it doesn't always feel that way. It sometimes hurts. Is the essence of being like Jesus as simple as recognizing by the way I live that he is all I need? I want to believe what is true so that my feelings are based in reality. What do you think?

Caleb

Ashley's New Car

2007-04-28T23:35:00.001-04:00

Ashley in Guatemala

2007-04-28T22:41:00.000-04:00

Like New

2007-03-25T20:58:00.000-04:00

Ashley,

I just wanted to tell you again what an awesome experience I had with you. Once again I was changed. I'm still remembering things that happened. I remember you saying something about the girl who worked with Mama Carmen. You said that she wasn't working there any longer because she wasn't seeing any impact from her work there. Do you still remember what the most important thing is? If a person must see the result of their work that's okay. But I don't think full-time Christian service is a good career choice for them. The thing people forget or don't realize is that God doesn't need our help to accomplish His agenda. Your friend may have thought that since she wasn't seeing good results then perhaps God was leading her away from Mama Carmen's. God may have led her away, but that's not the point. The real reason your friend was at Mama Carmen's was so that through that experience she would draw closer to God and get to know Him better. God never needed her there. She needed to be there so that she could draw closer to God. I hope she didn't leave too soon.

Noah took over 100 years to build the ark. How many people actually believed in what he was doing outside of his immediate family? No other person believed. He worked on that ark for so many years and he made exactly zero impact in his community. I wonder if he ever felt like quitting? Many people believe that God had Noah build the ark so that he and his family could escape the flood. That's true but that's not the main reason he was commanded to build it. Did God need Noah? Couldn't God just have provided the ark before the rain came? Why put Noah through that process? Noah did not escape death as a result of building the ark. The ark only postponed his death. What was God really up to? What was He really doing in the life of Noah?

Ashley you may not feel discouragement now in what you are doing in Guatemala. Trust me, one day you will. Discouragement will come because you will look for results in your work. Try to remember that results are not where your eyes belong. You are not responsible for results. God may lead you from Guatemala to somewhere or something else. But He will not lead you away because you are not seeing fruit from your ministry. Remember that being in Guatemala is God's carefully orchestrated plan, made especially for you, to draw you ever deeper in love with Him. That, baby girl, is the most important thing.

I'm proud to know you. God has humbled me before Him as I see who you have become. Like Noah I have found grace in His sight. Your life reminds me of that every day.

Guatemala and Back

2007-03-22T19:53:00.000-04:00

Sad Eyes

Friends,

Here are some thoughts about my recent visit to Guatemala. Please forward this along to the whole family.

If God ever leads you to free yourself from your "safe" place, your comfort zone, and take a trip somewhere outside the bubble of North American culture, I have a packing suggestion. Please leave your personal agenda and expectations at home. I say travel light and fasten your seatbelt.

I left Chattanooga with an agenda: to find Ashley a reliable means of transportation and to spend some time with Ana and Miguel (my kids who haven't come home just yet). My expectations were to fulfill my agenda and to hear from God. The last time I went to Guatemala God used a man named Mario to breathe His words into my heart. I wanted more of that.

Keri and I discovered that buying a used car in Guatemala is not the enjoyable experience we have in the US. I thought I knew the right questions to ask. How many miles does the car have? Apparently, rolling back the odometer is a common practice so vehicle mileage isn't a relevant question. Has it been wrecked? Of course it's been wrecked, that's why it's in Guatemala. Don't even ask about the title. Unless the car comes off a showroom floor it has a salvaged title. I didn't know how I could ever find a good car in this kind of environment. I couldn't do it. God gave us the car He wanted Ashley to have. While the salesman was selling one car I wandered to the back corner of his lot and found what we were looking for. It was a bit older but the tires were good and the windshield was free of cracks unlike the one being considered. The only questions left were does it run and how much? It ran and we agreed on a price. The actual exchange of money for the vehicle purchased was the most tedious part of the whole transaction. Every bill of American currency was closely examined and inspected for stray marks and tears. Some were rejected. I was afraid the deal would fall through because our money wasn't pretty enough. Thank-you Eastwood, Ashley has wheels! The car was inspected by a reliable mechanic at All God's Children. It needs all the routine work: oil change, belts and hoses, maybe brake pads, etc.. We used all but $400.00 of the money provided to buy the car. The rest will be used to get the necessary work done.

I found that Ana and Miguel were not as excited to see me as I was them. They were busy with their friends doing kids stuff. Ana especially would rather be with her friends than to go somewhere with me. That's okay, I know the score. I do the same thing with God. I'm glad He's present and available but I'm usually busy playing with my friends and doing kid's stuff. I hear you Lord.

I hope everyone gets to see the poor video I shot of the socks and toys being distributed. Ashley selected the poorest area she could find that didn't endanger us too greatly. 12 adults and children traveled in one Mazda mini-van to the neighborhood. The other adults asked Ashley how she expected to draw enough people to give everything away. She explained that she was going to employ the "Ashley method." She found a good spot and gave the kids in our group pieces of sidewalk chalk. She instructed the kids to make pictures on the sidewalk and as neighborhood kids passed they were to give them a piece of chalk as well. As the crowd began to form a big pinata was filled with candy and suspended above the street where we were. Starting with the smallest child, each had a swing at the pinata until it was broken and candy filled the street. Now the socks. Ashley and her assistant, Delme (pretty young Latina woman who is seeking unattached American male) explained to all present that when they received their socks they would also get a number for the raffle. The sock distribution took a long time but the local kids and their moms waited for their turn. There was more than enough for everyone. With socks in hand everyone was now waiting for the raffle. Ashley asked me and another man (Jim) to share something of God with the people. Since I was the designated camera guy my words were not recorded but I got Jim and Ashley's enthusiastic translation. I saw and was present to witness Ashley in her element. The raffle prizes were soccer balls and cleats, flip-flops, and other small toys. I think we had great success under Ashley's leadership.

As night approached on the drive away Ashley decided to stop at Mama Carmen's place. It's a home in a very poor neighborhood for street kids. She presently houses 87 kids full-time. Sometimes she has many more. At night she goes out of her house to find them sleeping in awful places and brings them home. With only the help of a few teenage girls who live there she does this great work. It was there that we left all the extra socks, flip-flops, and toys. She asked us to say thank-you to all who had a part in God's provision for her children. She took us to the roof of her home and showed us the view of the city and mountains God has blessed her with. Pray for Mama Carmen.

The next morning was Sunday. Ashley took me to a church that meets in a large room attached to a parking garage. Before we went in Ashley explained that the service may be longer than what I may be used to. I said if I found it tiresome we could slip out. The worship time of the service was well under way when we arrived. Any thought I may have had of leaving early vanished from my mind as I encountered God's Spirit moving like a soft breeze among his people. I didn't understand the words to the songs and I didn't find the melodies familiar. But I understood that God was in that place and that was familiar. It reminded me of home. Ashley was pleased that I wasn't bored or restless to leave. I don't know if I can explain what it's like to stand beside your child and worship together as brother and sister but just try to imagine it. Those few minutes as we stood together before God in worship were a defining moment in my relationship with Ashley. As the moment slips away from me now I understand more clearly why I'm a dad. It's so that God could bless me with that moment. I watched that child take her first breath. For nineteen years we laughed, cried, and went to battle against each other. Last week I traveled nearly 2,000 miles to see her and on the last day of my visit Ashley and I met with God together. Was the "moment" worth what it took to arrive there? What do you think? That's one down and five to go! What an adventure this life is.

Thanks for taking the time to meet with me here. I love you guys.

Caleb
Adventurer and World Traveler

Live Free

2007-02-25T22:56:00.000-05:00

Hey You,

Just a few words of advice, if you don't mind. Do not always view difficult circumstances as signs from God that you ought to change your direction. Most often God uses difficulties to teach us a lesson. I don't think it's within God's character to push or manipulate us in a particular direction by placing us in hard circumstances. I really don't think it's that important whether you stay put or move on to other stuff. As you trust God make a decision, act on your decision, and live with your decision by viewing difficult circumstances as God's teaching tools and not His means of sending you instructions. My opinion is that you already know what you want to do but you're afraid. You're either afraid that your desire is too grand for someone like you or it's too fraught with difficulty to pursue. Don't be afraid because no matter what you do on planet Earth there will be hard stuff to live through and learn from. And don't be intimidated by your lofty dreams. I don't think God sees our desires to serve Him as monumental tests of His abilities to realize them. He will always be pleased with you no matter what you do. I dare you to live as though that were true.

Do you remember the parable Jesus taught of the talents? A rich man gave his servants some money to invest while he was out of town. He gave to each an amount that was compatible with their ability. In their endeavor to please the master, two of the servants invested the money they were given and doubled it. They had to take some risks but in the end the master was pleased with them. The third buried his money to keep it safe and the master returned and was displeased. The third servant took the course that offered the least difficulty. Read the parable for yourself and let the Holy Spirit speak to your heart. When I read the story I asked myself why there wasn't a fourth servant. Why wasn't there a fourth servant who invested the master's money and lost it all? I've decided that is an impossible scenario. I don't think that what we do to serve the master with the abilities he has given us will ever have a negative return. He will be pleased and it will be profitable.

One other thing, okay? The thing I realize more and more as I watch you live is that you are your mother's daughter. If I were you I wouldn't expend excessive energy maintaining acceptance and a high opinion of myself from others. At best life is a mixed bag of acceptance and rejection. You will live to learn that true acceptance is given and not earned. I think you will find that when you are trying to get someone's acceptance, you are really trying to live up to their expectations. Meeting the expectations of another is not the same as having their acceptance. In other words, the acceptance of another is outside of your control. There is nothing you can do to get others to accept you, just like there is nothing you can do to make it rain. Live free of the chains of trying to earn something that is not earned but given. I'm thinking that with God's unconditional love and acceptance I have what I need. I'd like it if the people I work and associate with loved and accepted me. I realize however, that I don't need it and there is nothing I can do to get it. I choose to accept others but I can't choose for others to accept me. My advice: LIVE FREE!

Caleb

Secondary vs. Primary

2007-02-19T10:07:00.000-05:00

Sometimes when I address a group I think I see a negative response. When those I'm talking to don't make eye contact with me and stare into their laps I think things are not going well. When no one steps up to take part in discussion makes me think I hit a wall. Most telling of all is when some shake their heads as I speak.

My topic which I thought would arouse good discussion was the same as the subject line of this note. I found out today that many people put a higher priority on making life work than I thought. Since the norm of my group is for the leader to facilitate discussion and I wasn't getting it, I had to ask individuals questions. I went for the head shakers. I got responses like this: "What's wrong with making life work better?" or "Because I read a book or participated in a seminar my life works better, what's wrong with that?" I don't think there is anything wrong with that. Sometimes it seems like people use what they have learned to correct their behavior without any real change in who they are.

I began the discussion by talking about the common cold as an illustration of my point. We don't treat the cold, we treat the symptoms. By treating the symptoms we achieve temporary relief from the fever, sore throat, congestion, or whatever. In most cases we have to re-medicate so we can continue to function. In my opinion my illustration was brilliant. My audience was not quite so generous. When we recognize that we are sick with a cold we have to treat the symptoms because there is no cure for the virus itself.

I went on to say that in many cases people buy books or attend seminars to treat symptoms when the cure for what ails them is available. (I think it is interesting to note that although a cure is available, it is beyond our control to acquire it.) There are many good publications and conferences on such things as marriage, child rearing, finances, and self perception. Do I buy the book or attend the conference on applying biblical principles to . . . whatever because I want to learn how to honor God in that area? Or do I wish to obtain tips, techniques, tools, and exercises to make my life work better. The fact that I'm not disciplined with money, continuously argue/angry with my wife or children, or have a less than healthy view of my worth is often, if not always, a symptom of a deeper issue. I don't treat the deeper issue, I mask it by getting temporary relief from the symptoms. (Somewhere along here things went off the hook.) But I continued (since no one else would) by summing up my view of the "deeper issue." By treating the symptoms of the deeper issue I insulate myself from what God wants. I don't think God is primarily interested in my problems with money, anger, my relationships with others, or my view of myself. These are secondary issues. I believe God wants a dead-end rock-bottom encounter with me when I recognize that He is my primary need and not biblical principles applied to an area of trouble in my life. Application of God's wisdom gleaned from the Bible is not synonymous with a relationship with Him.

I really do want what God wants but I'm afraid. I'm sometimes afraid that He may not be who He says He is. I'm sometimes afraid the gospel may not be true. So what do I do? I treat symptoms. It's ironic that I'm willing to trust God with my eternal destiny but I have difficulty trusting Him with this momentary vapor that we call life.

Maybe my tenure will be revoked.

Caleb

Maybe I'm Okay Afterall

2007-02-12T13:02:00.000-05:00

"The bit of light that has kept me from walking away from this entire series of unpleasant events was the hope that maybe it was about more than just what I had to learn." KMW

The original 12 lived with Jesus on intimate terms for his entire ministry. Why did Jesus not try to correct his disciples' flaws? He would have surely succeeded. I mean, He was God, why did He not "help" them in this way? At the end of His life one betrayed Him, another cursed Him and denied even knowing Him, and the rest fled and hid. People flee and hide because they are afraid. Why is it that after such a close association with His disciples did Jesus leave them with their fear? Was His love for them somehow inadequate? The gospels only give us a snapshot of the life and times of Jesus. John said that if all the wonderful things Jesus did were written down the world could not contain the books that would be written. The disciples walked with Jesus through all of the wonderful things he did, not just the things we read about in Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John. With so many good deeds to His credit, why did Jesus not "fix" his closest followers? That question logically leads to my next one. As a result of their association with Jesus, and since His goal apparently wasn't to fix them, how were the disciples changed? If I were a disciple of Jesus during His ministry on planet Earth, how would I be changed? What if I camped under the stars with Him? What if I broke bread with Him? What if I cruised the stormy seas with Him? What if it were my feet that He washed? What if it were my eyes that saw Him suffer and die? What if it were my fingers that pressed into the wounds in His resurrected hands and side? What if it were me that watched Him ascend out of sight into Heaven? You would think that after such a series of experiences my silly fears and weaknesses would have been corrected by the only One with the power to change me. I have to conclude that Jesus left His disciples exactly as He intended. Would anyone deny that He loved them well? Loving another well may not include much of what we have attached to it. Remember what Paul said about weakness? "When I am weak, it is then that I am strong." Weakness must be a necessary criteria for us. Could it be that freeing His disciples from fear would rob them of something important? It seems to me that Jesus placed much value on the process of becoming free.

Perhaps I should change my thinking. My heart tells me to stop equating weaknesses with flaws. The obvious weakness in you that I want to help you correct may be the thing that God uses to bring Himself glory. Try this: What if it wasn't David who faced the giant Goliath? What if it was Samson who defeated Goliath? Which match provides God with the most glory? Do you think it's possible that loving people doesn't include burdening ourselves with the task of correcting what we view as flaws in them? What if we were free from that? I'm not suggesting that we wink at or turn a blind eye to the stuff that grieves us in the life of another. Choose what you want to be, either the judge who decides what change is necessary or the influence and instrument of another who changes others as it glorifies Him.

Caleb

Then I Woke Up

2007-01-01T17:35:00.000-05:00

I went to sleep one night around the end of November and dreamed many dreams. Some of them were good but some were bad. Now I have awaken from my slumbering and have found my way again to this place. It's time to remember. It's time to download.

It began with the new floors in our house. It ended with my oldest son, your younger brother, calling me an asshole as he stormed out of the house into the cold January evening. I am not responsible for his anger yet I am held responsible for his unhappiness. Between the yelling and the sounds of hammers and saws there was also a subplot. I have become disillusioned with the business of church. In case I haven't said it before or if you have any doubt, for the record let me state: I loath churches and I despise religion. It robs me of something I don't wish to surrender. The organization of it all is life-draining. Don't misunderstand. I am captivated by Jesus. I love Him. Maybe I just love my perception of Him. I love and enjoy the people I know individually. Collectively, however, I can barely tolerate them. There is some dark dynamic that works in the group that doesn't seem to exist in individual encounters. I find it interesting that Jesus never had to deal with the church. He had much to say, however, to the leaders and organization of the Jewish religion. He called them a "generation of vipers." It doesn't seem that much has changed. I expect if Jesus arrived today He would have similar things to say to His church.

Many people judge Christianity based on their perception of Christians. Who would ever want Jesus based on the lives and performance of those who claim to follow Him? "Not I," said the blind man. "Nor I," says Caleb.

Same Song Different Verse

2006-11-19T22:13:00.000-05:00

My thoughts are never far from you. Lately I've been thinking about the part of your journey that I've been able to observe. With a few variations your brother is in the same place you were in when you were fifteen. It seems that your brother is being more difficult to deal with. That may not be true. I may just be wearing down. I pray that the Jesus we know will capture his heart. I expect as Nicoleta, Luc, Ana, and Miguel get to be around fifteen I'll go through the same stuff again and again. God has given me six opportunties. Will I learn what He is teaching me as I pass through the maze of parenthood. When it's over I ought to be an expert! Have you stopped to think how old you'll be when Miguel graduates from high school. I'm thinking you'll be just over thirty years old. How many of your own babies will you have by then?

By the way, what's this I'm hearing about "the man of your dreams?"

I love you Ashley.

D

Photo of a Holiday Cease-Fire

2006-11-12T21:27:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I just don't have words. Strange but true I know.

Life with Nick

2006-11-11T20:15:00.000-05:00

My Parents are Idiots

Pain Free Living

2006-11-09T12:08:00.000-05:00

On this man's quest for an elusive God I'm learning some things. Many times relationships degenerate into messes. The circumstances of living in this temporal place and culture never really improve do they? As I get older I understand that the pain and suffering of being human is not something that can be avoided. Nevertheless I still try to arrange for comfort and protection from the stuff that hurts me. Nothing works.

From the middle of the pain I cry out to God, "Where are you?" Do you know what He says? He says nothing. Any sense of His presence is long gone. As I live with pain I begin to understand what I really want. In the beginning I wanted relief from something God could have prevented but didn't. In the middle of the pain I realize that I want to experience Him more than I want relief. If living with pain keeps me in His lap then I will embrace it. A broken heart puts me in a place where I can see that all I really desire is God. At this point relief loses it's importance. Things may work out or they may not. "Please God, give me more of Yourself."

How does God answer a prayer like that? Does He give me something extra that I can feel? No, He doesn't. My experience is showing me that He just allows or arranges for more stuff to go wrong. Why? So my desire for more of Him grows further. Here's a hard truth: We will never experience God as our heart desires on planet Earth. Right now I anticipate what's coming but I can't experience it fully. That comes later.

Understanding that God is really what we desire is a divine blessing. There is relief to a heart that catches on to that. But there's something else, a secret. As I live to realize that God is all my heart desires I understand something else. The orchestration of time, events, pain, and suffering in my life mean more than showing me my desire for God. The development of the divine agenda shows me what God wants. He wants me and He is relentless in the pursuit of my heart. He means to have me completely.

My life is not a story of living and dying. It's the story of how God won me.

Caleb

Processing and Downloading

2006-11-02T20:55:00.000-05:00

Hey you,

I had an awesome time with you in your world. I haven't written to you about it because I'm still processing the stuff that happened. Ashley, the things I saw there and the stuff I did changed me in some fundamental way. I'm still trying to figure out how to articulate it. I told Mike about the trip and the dinner with Heather. He says I heard from God on that night. I think he's right. Thanks for looking out for Ana and Miguel. Be a good big sister and know that you're my hero. I'll write more later. I love you.
D

Guatemala

2006-10-27T23:55:00.000-04:00

Me and Ana

Me and Miguel

What's that over my shoulder?

Signing the Documents for Ana

Antigua

Life in the Looney Bin

2006-10-16T09:25:00.000-04:00

Ashley in Her Element

Your mom received this picture from a family who recently returned from Guatemala. We agree that this picture captures much of who you are. I'm so proud of you.

What's a Blessing?

2006-10-16T08:48:00.000-04:00

Blessings are the stuff God gives you. Because of Hebrews 11:6 I've heard them described as God's rewards. What is a blessing to you and why are they important? I think some feel that a "blessed" life is somehow God's stamp of approval on them. In other words, if your life is in the toilet then God must be disappointed with you. Somewhere on the road you screwed up and God is angry with you. What goes around comes around, right?

Have you thought of any blessings? How about financial security? What about good health? What about a successful ministry or career? What about meaningful and intimate relationships with others, such as your spouse, kids, or friends? Here's the blessing formula. You may want to write this down. Decide which "blessing" you want. Then search the scriptures for how to achieve that "blessing." Now that you understand the requirements, perform them to God's satisfaction, and He obligates Himself to grant them. Is God satisfied with my best or does He require perfection? He knows my frame, that I am dust so I guess my best is good enough. If you think you nailed it and God doesn't come through then somewhere along the way you must have blown it. In that case you have to repeat the formula. Is this the "light and easy" yoke that Jesus spoke of?

What a sham! There's a lot of people who believe that God is somehow their divine vending machine. "Performance equals blessings" is a lie.I don't think there's anything wrong with pursuing the good stuff that life offers. I just don't think they are a validation of me as a spiritual being. I think God's "blessings," as I have defined them here are given or withheld based on an agenda that is beyond my understanding.

I had a discussion with someone recently who pointed out God's hand of blessing on my life. I have a daughter who is a missionary in Guatemala. I have two children adopted from eastern Europe. My bills get paid. I'm not sick and my wife has yet to put me on the road. I'm really grateful for these things but I can tell you a secret? None of that stuff "does it" for me. I came away from that discussion feeling ungrateful and maybe a bit greedy. I have a lot of the "good stuff" but I want something else, something more. Perhaps, I should learn the art of contentment. Later I decided that I'm not really greedy. I'm just hungry, and maybe a bit desperate, but for what?

"Without faith it is impossible to please God. The person that comes to God must believe that he is and that he is a rewarder of those who diligently seek him." Do you know what the real blessing is, the real reward?

Okay, time for the bottom line. As I search for God everywhere and in every situation the only blessing I want, the only thing that satisfies my heart is more of Him. I don't want the stuff. I want the person.

Try this. Suppose a child was given a choice. For Christmas he would have to choose between an absent father with a tree surrounded with gifts or a present father with no gifts under the Christmas tree. What does the child decide to do? I think it depends on the maturity of the child doesn't it?

I'm learning to desire His presence more than His presents.

Suitcases in the Attic

2006-10-13T19:46:00.000-04:00

I'm getting ready to go to Guatemala next Sunday. I have some short people to meet. Keri asked me to go up into the attic to get some suitcases. Along with our clothes for the trip, we are taking stuff for the orphans and Ashley. It looks likes the three of us will each have 2 checked suitcases and 2 carry-ons--the maximum permitted. My clothes fit nicely into a Wal-Mart grocery bag. I was thinking about tying the bag to a stick and carrying it over my shoulder. However, I don't think I could get the stick thru security.

Anyway, back to the attic. As is usually the case there was no one to help me get the suitcases down from the attic. It works best if someone stands at the bottom of the ladder while the other passes the suitcases down. I had to drop the suitcases to the floor from up in the attic. Keri wanted to know what that awful racket was. I explained that I was using the tried and true Stuart E. method of suitcase recovery. Do it bad enough and you won't be asked to do it again! The theory and practice of the Stuart method is flawless. My problem is I have a thousand other new things to do.

Up in the attic is my past stored in boxes and trunks. As I was raising the ladder back into place in the ceiling, a piece of my past floated lazily to the floor. It was just a piece of paper torn from a spiral notebook. I thought it was old notes from my college days and I almost wadded it up to throw away. But I decided to have a look. It wasn't old class notes. It wasn't as old as that. It was dated September 11, 1985. The following is a transcription of what I had written.

I can't remember anyone that knew anything about me other than what I led them to know. I have secrets beyond description.

I don't usually write letters to people because I sometimes express more about myself than I want to reveal. Sometimes I get embarrassed when I think about someone reading a letter I wrote to them. I feel like maybe they won't understand what I'm trying to say or perhaps they won't understand the vastness of my feelings. But somehow the expression of one's heart lends itself to some kind of feeling of relief. For instance: "There, I said it, it's out, now I feel better." Do you understand?

I feel a bit sorry for people who never or rarely express what they know their heart is saying. It seems that from the beginning of the human experience one important rule has been "don't let anyone see your heart." Why not? There's no sense lifting yourself up to ridicule when it could be avoided.

When it's all over I'll feel better knowing I said or wrote what I truly meant no matter how hard the words came. I feel that the result of that will be easier to take than trying to apologize to myself for not saying what I knew I should have. How could I make an apology when there would be no future chance of redemption? (End)

I was almost 25 years old. I'm 45 now. When I wrote this I had been married for almost 5 months. I had yet to "crash and burn." In 20 years time I've changed a little . Now I write letters to people all the time. I even write to those who I don't necessarily consider "safe." When I wrote those words I was afraid to let others see my heart for fear of rejection or ridicule. One would think that after such a long period of time I would be over the "fear" but I'm not. God has not removed it. However let me tell you what He has done. He has taught me to master my fear. That's so much better isn't it?

Stuart, Randy, and Mike I love you guys. I've found so many answers from the Jesus alive in you. Thanks for being my friends.

Caleb

"You make me want to be brave......." Nichole Nordeman

Peace?

2006-10-12T19:18:00.000-04:00

Recently someone said that they were having a hard time making a decision. They said that they didn't have "peace" about the direction they ought to go. As I looked at the options, I wasn't sure that either choice was wrong. In other words it wasn't a moral issue. What is this peace thing that Christians sometime seek when making important decisions? It sounds like some kind of divine affirmation that one feels. In your view does the Holy Spirit somehow do something extra in us to verify what we decided to do was correct? If we make the wrong choice is there an opposite to peace that we somehow sense?

Let me confess that I've never asked God for "peace" when faced with a difficult decision. Am I missing something? My normal course of action would be to ask God for wisdom. I also ask others whose wisdom I trust to offer advice. Then I make the call. Sometimes I feel good about the choice I made and find out later that I should have gone the other way. Sometimes my choices leave me feeling anxious and everything turns out fine. I suspect that there is another agenda being fulfilled. It seems to me (just my opinion) that people who seek peace from God to verify their choice are really looking for a sign from Him. Since the Spirit of God resides within us doesn't it make more sense to trust the decision making ability He has already placed within us. It doesn't seem like there is room for faith in looking for this peace I've heard about. If God provides divine validation of a decision, how does faith apply? Is there an example of this "peace" in the New Testament? I don't think there is. I'm also trying to figure out the point of wisdom if God provides "peace" to verify choices.

I looked thru a concordance and read all the passages that have the word peace in them. I'm sure my search was not exhaustive since I was looking up English words. In the Old Testament peace means the absence of war. It also says peace is the result of righteous living. Most passages were in Psalms. In the New Testament "peace" means something a bit different. We are at peace with God because of the work of Jesus on our behalf. We have peace because of His righteousness. In other words I have peace regardless of how I feel. I can't find an example of a New Testament personality who asked God for "peace" to shore up his decision. So where did this "peace" concept come from? Is it real? I don't think so. I think it's a weakness. It's a way to keep from trusting the regenerated and good heart God has placed within us. But that's just me talking. What do you think?

Caleb

Is Sanity Overrated?

2006-10-06T20:41:00.001-04:00

Ana

I got a call today from your mom. She spoke to me of Ana. Heather talked to your mom about some of her background. I'm so glad she has been living with Heather. Your mom told me that Heather has decided not to adopt Anna because she recognizes that Anna needs something else. She needs both parents. She emphasized the importance of a good dad. It was at this point that I began to see the point of the call from your mom. She was actually considering the idea of bringing her home too.

"You're a crazy woman." I told her. I asked her if she meant dropping Miguel and switching to the beautiful Ana. I'm not doing that. This whole endeavor has not been about an unseen person like it was with Nicoleta and Luc. From day one we had a picture of Miguel. He is what this has been about. She told me not too choose, get both of them. I had to pull the car over. I had to explain to your mom the economics of the situation. We don't have another 30K sitting in reserve. Come to think of it we didn't have the money when we decided to get Miguel. Heather apparently told your mom not to worry about the money. I asked your mom if we were getting a buy one get one free deal. Your mom's bottom line was finding out if I was open to the idea if the money was not a concern. I told her I was "open" to the idea. If this child is so adorable it seems like they would have no trouble placing her. This is the part of the story that really got me. Your mom told me that Heather wants me to be that child's dad. She wants your mom and I to be her parents.

"You and Heather are both crazy women!" I couldn't talk anymore. I hung up and continued home. As I drove I knew. I knew from the moment I understood what your mom was talking about on the phone. I knew I would do this thing. Ashley, I love you. I love this life that I have. The joy and adventure of it never cease to thrill and amaze me.

When we come to Guatemala we'll meet and spend time with Ana. Who knows, she may not like us. I wonder if that would disappoint or relieve me. Who is God that He should smile on us and show us His heart?

There's much that has to be accomplished. Primarily, since Ana is not a baby, she'll have to like your mom and I before we decide to move forward after our visit.

See ya soon,

D

My Phone Never Stops Ringing

2006-10-05T18:34:00.000-04:00

2006 OMS

Waiting Again for the Moon to Turn Blue

2006-10-04T19:18:00.000-04:00

The hard part about coming to see you is that I can't take Miguel home with me. Mom says it will probably be in the spring before he comes home. I'm glad his new big sister is going to be close by. I think it may be a good idea if you teach him to call you something besides "mama." If people get the idea from Miguel that you're his mom, it may put a hitch in your social activities. I mean that's just me talking. It's really up to you.

There is a major down side to this whole Miguel adventure. I'm going to have to go to that little piece of Hell in central Florida yet again: Disney World!

The thing I love about adopting older kids is watching them experience the novelty of new stuff. I mean with the exception of Disney World of course. I loathe that place. I remember Nicoleta and Luc eating icecream for the first time. That first "brain freeze" is such a precious memory to me. That first hypnotic trance in front of a television set puts a lump in my throat. I can't wait because now we have HDTV. Sponge Bob never looked so good.

There's new stuff for me too. I remember Luc cursing your mom and I in Romanian for the very first time. I was positively beaming with pride. Such skill of the Romanian vernacular in a four year old truly astounded me. Losing the language is really not such a bad thing is it. People used to tell us that it was such a shame they had to lose their native language. People found it so exotic to be called the street slang for the uh...male appendage in Romanian. I guess we could have left Luc in that box outside of Cluj or left Nicoleta in that crib in Sighisoara. Then they would have retained their language. Idiots.

Will you do me a favor? Will you take Miguel to Disney World? I hate that place.

D

Bear Lake, Estees Park Colorado

2006-10-01T21:55:00.000-04:00

Miguel's Sister

2006-09-28T18:20:00.000-04:00

Hey You,

Do you know how much a broken dryer cramps my style? I had to take Satan's house cat (Sal) to the vet. I had to remove the carcass of the neighbor's cat from our backyard. I wonder if they noticed her absence yet? Our dogs are killers. Nick wouldn't help me, but he gleefully took pictures of the body as it sailed thru the air back into the neighbor's yard. Don't worry I didn't really do that. That would only confirm their suspicions that we're cultists and that we sacrifice farm animals to idols. After the dead cat episode, I found most of a rabbit. It may have been a squirrel. I'm not sure. Sorry no pictures were made.

Mr. Jim helped me fix the dryer. I really like him. Did you know that he's published a novel? He owned a company that made widgets for airplanes. He was a missionary in the Amazon! Now he fixes airplanes. In his spare time he's building a time machine in his garage. He's going to sell it on e-bay. He's really an interesting person.

I was at the end of my rope. I handled all the glamorous "dad" stuff I was going to. I was ready to go to bed and delete from my memory all the details and bad words. There are days when you just can't take one more thing. This is when your mom gave me the news that my life is going to change sooner than I expected.

"Oh, I forgot to tell you. Ashley called today," she said.
"What's up with Ashley?" I asked.
"She called to tell us that Miguel is ours."
"That's really good news," I said and went to bed.

When I got in the bed my heart got the news that Miguel is my son. I wept. I guess I had more of my heart in this than I realized. If things go right I'll see you in Guatemala in a couple of weeks to sign the power of attorney. I want to see you in your world. I want to visit with Heather. I wonder if she's found her heart yet. I think of her every day right after I think of you. I say your names out loud as I drive to work in the very small hours of the morning.

Do I have to visit with the orphans? I don't know if I can do it and maintain my composure.

If you go back a few notes you'll find the picture of you and Miguel. I think I'm going to move it up here.

I am so proud of you. You are one of my heart's great loves.

D

Conversations in the Car

2006-09-18T16:26:00.000-04:00

Hey You,

Last Friday night mom took your sister to the football game at the high school. At some point during the game mom decided that she would check on Nicoleta. She found her by the concession stand with a boy named Zack. He was facing her with his arms draped around her waist. After the EMT's at the game revived your mom she told Nicoleta that the physical contact was not appropriate for a girl her age. I told Nicoleta later that I would have broken off the little guy's arm. Then I would beat her with bloody end of it. "Ha ha dad, you're so funny!"

The thing about our family that I think is a bit unusual (or maybe not) is that we've talked openly about sexual matters. That's good because it's a subject that must be addressed candidly. On the way to school this morning Nicoleta and I had a candid talk about boys.

"You know Nicoleta, that the next time you see Zack at a football game or something, He's gonna want to put his hands on you again. But the next time he'll want to go a bit further than just putting his arms around your waist."
"Oh no he won't, I won't let him," Nicoleta said.
"Of course you wouldn't let him. That's why he'll not ask you for permission first. He'll just do it. He's not going to ask you if it's alright for him to put his hand on your butt or your breast. You'll have no warning he'll just do it.
"I'll just kick him in the groin if he does," she responded.
"Good for you, but by then it will be too late. He'll have taken something from you that you didn't offer. That's the worst kind of stealing. Once he's taken it you can't get it back."
"Boys sometimes walk by me and pat me on the butt and I tell them not to but it still happens," she said.
"If someone is bothering you like that you should tell me, your mom, or a teacher. If telling doesn't work then I know someone that will make them stop. His name is Nick."
"Here's the thing Nicoleta. You are a remarkable person. You're special. The problem is Zack doesn't think you're special. He sees your body, he doesn't see you. He's wondering how he can touch you in places that are off-limits ."
"Oh dad, that's just nasty," Nicoleta said.
"Dear sweet Lord," I thought to myself "this ignorant baby has no idea of 'nasty.' Help me!"
"Nicoleta, all boys think like that. That's how boys are made."
"All of them, you mean every guy out there?" she asked.
"Yep, all of 'em. Any man worth having is gonna want to take your clothes off. The man you're looking for won't try it until he's married to you. Do you know why?"
"'Cause I'll kick him in the nuts," she responded.
"That's not really it."
"Oh 'cause Nick will smash his face in," she tried again.
"He won't try anything Nicoleta, because he'll know that you're special. Even more important than that is he'll believe he's special too."
"Is it okay to hug? I really like hugging."
"I'm not so sure about hugging Nicoleta."
"But why, what's wrong with hugging?"
"Most of the boys just like mashing their bodies up against yours."
"That's so perverted!"
"Yeah it is, now get out of my car before you're late."
"Love ya, dad," and she was gone.

As I was driving home it occurred to me that she believed what I told her. Much of what I told her disgusted her but she did not deny the truth of it. Then there's the voices that tell me that just because I can remember how I was doesn't mean all boys have wicked intentions. The voices tell me that I'm the sick one, most everyone else is okay. The thing I find most worrisome is the day when she realizes that she likes the way a boy's touch makes her feel. Will she recognize the difference between "special" and the counterfeit? Oh, man I'm in it deep.

D

Hey, Do You Remember When....?

2006-09-18T08:22:00.000-04:00

From the Road

2006-09-05T12:08:00.000-04:00

If you are reading this, it's because my thoughts are never far away from you. You are the tools our Father has used in my heart as we travel the warrior's road. You are my circle, my band, and I love you greatly. I thank God for your victories, struggles, and failures. God uses these things to invite us into deeper intimacy with Him.

"Come and learn of me, for my yoke is easy and my burden is light," Jesus said. These are the words that draw me to Him. He didn't say there was no yoke or burden. He said they were light and easy. Yes, but compared to what are they light and easy? The answer is; compared with making it on my own. I will not survive the journey without Him. The Jesus in you helps to make my burden lighter and easier. I'm not made to travel in solitude. I learn of Jesus from His words as the Spirit reveals them to my heart. I also learn of Him as I interact with you. I see Him in you. Jesus is revealed to me through the tool of you . He lives in you. Your community is vital to me.

Some time ago Mike asked me to do an exercise. He mentioned it in his message recently. In case you weren't there, this was the exercise. As I was traveling home from our meeting I was to audibly say words something like this: I am a man of God. I have wisdom, insight, and strength. God can, does, and will use me in the lives of others. When I first said these words out loud to myself they were uncomfortable. They were itchy, like an old wool blanket. They didn't seem to fit. It was as though I was a child trying on the clothes of a man. They were too big for me. After I spoke these words to myself words from the darkness became clear in my mind. I was reminded of my less than honorable deeds, my betrayals, my harsh and ugly words, and my failures. So many times I let these messages keep me in weighted chains. No, I was not the man my friend saw in me.

Then there was the whisper, the psst that cuts through the clutter of a noisy mind. The whisperer said to me, "You are not defined by your performance from the past, present or future whether your deeds are evil or good. You are defined by the relationship you have with me. I have adopted you into my family. You and Jesus are two of my sons. Your sin is paid for and you are mine. Now, what do you believe?" I don't have the words to describe what happens in a heart when the truth is revealed and accepted. I can only say that it is often accompanied by tears of cleansing and joy. I chose and choose to believe the truth. I am who God says I am. I am one of His sheep. I am one of His sons. I am one of those who is His bride. The weighted chains of deception are heavy. The freedom of truth is truly light and easy.

Who is this God that does these great works in us? I am so desperate for His whispers. Thank you, for being my friends. I can't imagine the journey without you.

Caleb

Me and You

2006-08-21T19:43:00.000-04:00

This is my second favorite picture of you and me. My favorite is the one when you are a baby giving me a big smooch on the lips. I think it's on the mantle above the fire place in the livingroom

Juicy and Delicious

2006-08-20T03:47:00.000-04:00

Ashley,

You are such a joy to me. I love watching you grow and mature. Don't be discouraged because of the trials you go thru with Heather. See them as a personal invitation from God to you to become more intimate with Him. I know we haven't always seen eye-to-eye on how God speaks but He does speak to us doesn't He? God communicates to me in my circumstances. When times are hard He is saying, "Come sit by Me, I want to show you how you can become more like Me." Circumstances, especially hard ones, are God's way of inviting us to join Him. The truth of the matter is that there will always be difficulty. So, as the Bible says, "Count it all joy....." God is moving Ashley. Watch what He does.

Mike is anxious to see you. He wants you to vent your ministry frustrations with Him. He's a wise man Ashley. You can trust Him. I think he can offer you insight into ministry stuff that I don't have.

Community is so important in our walk with Jesus. In fact, it's vital. In the midst of our frustration, confusion, and anger a discerning brother or sister can see into your circumstances and point out the presence and work of God that seems absent to you. I also think that God invites us to look up from our own difficulty and search for His activity outside of the context of our little stories. Trust Him with your issues and ask Him to use you as a tool in His hand to be a blessing to another. That's what faith looks like as it operates in our hearts.

God has purpose for Heather in your life. God has purpose for you in the life of Heather. My prayer for you is for wisdom and insight. I think God is using Heather in your life for that end result. My prayer for Heather is that she will find her heart again. I think God is using you in her life for that end result. You live from your heart Ashley and that is good. I don't mean that you live from your emotions. There is a difference. I think you need a good dose of wisdom sometimes and Heather seems like a good source of it for you. On the other hand, I see Heather living from her own understanding. She needs a good dose of heart and you are in a position to remind her of her first love. Be a good reminder Ashley. But it's not up to you to change anyone. It would be cool if God used you in such a way wouldn't it?

Here's the last word. Take yourself "as-is" to God. Express your anger, frustration, whatever! David did it all the time in the Psalms. The Holy Spirit inspired David to vent! Wow, what an awesome God we serve! God called David the apple of His eye. Wouldn't eternity be grand knowing God thinks of you like that!

Love, Love

D

Where to Now?

2006-07-14T15:27:00.000-04:00

I'm sitting in a motel room in Orlando, Florida. It's raining outside and your brother Nick is making himself a thorn to all human life around him. At the moment he is picking at his brother Luc. Now he is turning the lights on and off. Just as I finished the last sentence he shot a rubberband at me. I have so many questions I would like to ask God about him but what is the point? He never answers. Your brother is like he is so that God can do a work in his heart and mine. I have to guard my heart. There was a time when I thought that you had a black heart. I even told you so from time to time. There was a time when you flipped me off while you were driving somewhere. You were driving a car that your mom and I bought and you did something like that. I had so many questions I wanted to ask God about you. Eventually He answered.

Recognize and appreciate the boundaries that Heather has mandated for you. They are for your protection. They will help to protect you physically, emotionally, and spiritually. The time is not yet when you are wise enough to make these kinds of decisions for yourself. Honor God and honor me by honoring Heather. It seems to me that maybe you don't trust God enough to let go of Brenda. Give her to His care. The love you have for her is a gift from God to her and you. Don't see your heart's feelings as a curse because you are hurting. Walk up to the pain, embrace it and let it do God's work in your heart. You must be careful not to establish barriers to your heart. A barrier keeps others out. Recognize the potential for heartbreak and love anyway. In time barriers will smother your heart. You'll become cold and remote from others. We have enough of those kinds of people as it is. Your heart is the best gift that you have to offer. It's the part of you that God continues to mold and shape. It's the part of you that God uses. Guard and protect your heart but do not cut it off from others. Continue to love others with passion and abandon but realize that pain and disappointment are likely. You'll learn how to love wisely with time.

Based on what I heard from you and Heather, it may have not been a good thing for you to have been sent to House of Hope. Okay, let's move on and see what God has for you now. We both see some opportunity for ministry after the young women leave but let's allow God the room to work. Let's move as He guides us. We are not in charge of making His work happen. He does that alone. Sometimes it pleases Him to use us and sometimes it doesn't. He doesn't require our help. Here's the mystery of it all. In some secret way known only to Him our conversations with Him carry influence. He hears us. My problem is that He is way to slooooow in answering.

I'll talk more later

D

Courage

2006-07-14T15:26:00.000-04:00

Ashley,

These past few days I can't stop thinking of you. My thoughts of you and my prayers for you become one. Thanks for calling me the other evening. I was glad to hear you tell me that you loved me. Thanks for those words. I was very relieved to hear you tell me that Heather received my email with an open heart. She has since sent me a kind response. I sent mom a copy of the emails I sent to you and Heather. The next morning she called me and asked why you called. I said that you called to tell me that you loved me and to say that Heather received her note from me. She was surprised that I sent the one to Heather. She thought it was a bit over the top. She was even concerned for your job at Hannah's Hope. When I told her that it was well received she said it must have surely been a "God thing." I send email like that all the time but always to people I know more intimately. Even then I sometimes don't have the nerve to push the "send" button. I've never sent such a heart weighted message to anyone as far removed from me as Heather. I wrote it in the morning before my Monday lunch with Mike. During the day I decided not to send it for the same reasons mom gave me for not sending it. In the end before I went to bed I came downstairs and sent it. Fifteen or twenty minutes later you called. The bottom line is I didn't want to send it because I was afraid. I was afraid of looking like a fool and I was afraid of embarrassing you. The thing I'm afraid to do is usually the thing God is inviting me to do. Sometimes you put your heart out there to love someone and it turns out okay. Sometimes it doesn't.

If I understand your plans, you are going to stay in Guatemala until around the end of December. I know you love it there. You love the girls God has given you to minister to. With that in mind let me offer you this challenge. Before I tell you what it is let me say that it will take courage. Let me also remind you of my last email. I said that God doesn't want you in Guatemala to do a work for Him as though He needs you in some way. He has you there so that He can do a work in you. I told Heather much the same thing in the note I sent to her. As you take this journey with Jesus you are going to find that this life is one of constant exchanges. God will ask you, God will invite you to exchange one thing for something else. The "something else" is most often less appealing than what you currently have. The "something else" may make you afraid. In the end you'll do as God asks because you love Him more than what He has asked you to give up. Here's your heart's challenge. Ask God if He wants you to exchange your work in Guatemala for something else. Do you trust Him with such a prayer? Do you have that kind of courage? Could you trust Him to take care of those young women without you? Do you want your heart to remain tender and not jaded? Then you must always keep the most important thing the most important thing. Do you remember what that is?

I have no agenda of my own for you. I'm not telling you these things because I have my own plans for you. I am content and happy for you. You are one of the ways God gives me joy. I'm your dad. I owe you the benefit of my experience on the journey. For your relationship with God to grow and for intimacy with Him to deepen you will have to exchange the good things He has given you for better things that He has prepared. Trusting God is a dangerous business. I dare you to trust Him with your passion.

Call me some time if you get the time.

I love you sweetie,

D

Heart Beats

2006-07-14T15:20:00.000-04:00

Hey You,

It has been such a long time since I have done this. Your mom says that you don't get to read email that much but I notice you keep your xanga site pretty current. If you do that then you probably check your mail.

I have such a full heart as it pertains to you. I watch you from here in the hills of my home and I know that you are where you ought to be (at least for the next several months). I've read your xanga site. I've read the postings of others on the AGCI list serve about you. I've listened to the stories that you have told to your mom. I've heard the tenderness of your heart in your voice on the phone. I look for the hand of our Father in all that surrounds me. I watch for Him in my circumstances. That is how He speaks to me. How can I grow closer to Him if I am not seeking Him everywhere? As it concerns you He says, "Ashley will be just fine." I think it's time for me to allow our relationship to evolve into something else. If there is any power or benefit in the blessing of a father, you have mine. I don't think you need my approval. You have the Father's approval stamped on your heart. We who love Him bear His mark on our hearts. I sense, however, that you want my "blessing." Ashley, you have my blessing. You no longer have to ask for my permission to do anything. You are free. Is that what you're looking for from me? I have to warn you that the exercise of your freedom has a price attached to it. If you want to, we can talk about that later. Along with my blessing, let me tell you one other thing. This is paramount. This is vital. This is the most important thing a dad can tell a grown child. Never forget this. God has given you something to do in Guatemala. You are in a position to impact the lives of others for all of eternity. God will use you to bring others to Himself. All of that means nothing. That's right, nothing. What you are doing on God's behalf is not important. Being a server at Applebee's is just as important as being a missionary in a faraway place. No, I haven't lost my mind. Hang with me a bit further. Here's what's really important: Your own personal growing intimacy with the One who saved you. You are not in Guatemala so that God can use you to do a work for Him. God is using your experience in Guatemala to do a work in you. Will God use you in Guatemala? Will others have the chance to see Jesus in you? Will God use you to draw others to Himself? The answer to all of these questions is YES. But all of that is secondary to a vital and growing intimacy with Jesus. Please don't ever sacrifice that for the work God has given you to do. From man's point of view the work of the missionary is admirable and noble. We see the missionary as someone who is more special to God because of their calling. From God's point of view I don't think it matters if one is working in Wal-Mart throwing chips at 4:00 am or caring for a new born orphan in some distant land. All God wants from you Ashley or from any of us is our heart. Now let me ask you: What's the most important thing?

I know that I asked you to get Heather to contact me. I realize that you probably haven't asked her to do that. It would please me if she did but I don't require that from her or you. I understand that she is very busy these days. Mom says that she has about 80 cases right now. I imagine she is overwhelmed. Here is my hearts concern for her. I am worried that she is so absorbed by the good work she is doing that she has forgotten the most important thing. What do you think? I so want good things for her and her kids. Tell me how to pray for Hannah's Hope. Tell me how to pray for Heather. She listened to God and followed Him thru what seems like overwhelming adversity. Your mom and I owe her a great debt for her obedience. Maybe I should send her an email. What do you think? I bet she gets lots of letters from grateful people. Tomorrow I think I'll send her a note.

You are one of my heart's great loves. I miss you.

D

More of the Good Stuff

2006-04-03T07:45:00.000-04:00

Hey You,

No one ever calls me at 3:00 in the morning. I am so sorry that you were sick, but it did my heart good to hear your voice. I have never really gotten used to waking up so early in the morning. As you grow older you'll find that you do more and more because you have to not because you want to. My job is like that. Many people find their identity in what they do for a living. I'm not one of those people. My identity is wrapped up in seeking out a person, but when I find him he so often leaves me again to test me. I realize that he doesn't really go anywhere. Where can I go that he is not? It just seems sometimes that my sense of his presence is withdrawn. Often times late at night as I drive to work it's as though he's there with me. He doesn't have to speak. He and I are past that. Do you have a friend that you like to be with? I'm talking about someone with whom words are not necessary. Their company is easy and comfortable. Just being with them is enough. It's in those times that I realize that I'm already home. Have you any idea what I mean?

When you called me the other night it was as though you too were invited to join my alone time with Jesus. We enjoy you so much. You are such a joy to us. You never disappoint us. Your existence is enough. You don't have to perform for our approval. I'm glad you showed up.

When you lived here with me I failed to appreciate you for just your presence .I think maybe I always wanted you to do stuff for me. I remember only being pleased with you when you were obeying me. I guess I learned that my love for you has nothing to do with what you did to try and please me. I miss you. I understand now that just being near you is enough. It's a lot like that with Jesus. Sometimes I miss him. It's as though he's moved to Chicago and I can't see him as often as I would like. Is my love for him based on what he does for me? Am I satisfied with just the intimacy of his closeness or do I demand that he perform for me as well? Often times I want him to do stuff for me, speak to me, reveal himself to me, etc.. How much of what I ask of him is really based in what my flesh desires? No wonder so many prayers go unanswered. When the sense of his presence is gone, my heart understands that all I really want is to know him more. I'm learning. I'm not there yet. But I understand more and more that he is all that I really want. Sometimes I miss him. I'm looking toward the day when the missing is over.

My computer time is up.

Love,

D

Memories

2006-03-07T18:00:00.000-05:00

Gentlemen,

I was reminded last night of the value of the past. The Israelites built memorials in the wilderness. These memorials were to remind the wandering Jews of God's faithfulness in the past. When the time of manna was over a portion was saved in a jar to remind the people of God's faithfulness. Okay, God said to build monuments. Why? Because people forget. If my dad instructed me to perform a task while he was at work, telling him later I forgot about it led to unpleasantness. The truth of the matter is I was more interested in my own agenda than my dad's (regardless of the consequences it seems.) As an adult I haven't changed that much.

When present circumstances become adverse why do I forget God's past faithfulness? Here's the reason as God reveals it to my heart. God doesn't place a very high priority on my agenda. He hasn't been faithful in the past of furthering my selfish desires. Consequently, I have no pleasant memories of his faithfulness. That shouldn't come as a surprise. He promised me something beyond my imagination. Remember the little boy in the mud puddle? My agenda keeps me happily content in my little hole of water and mud. God's agenda wants to take me to the ocean. As my will is conformed I recognize his faithfulness in the past and I remember my own jars of manna. (thanks Stuart)

Caleb

Bad News, Hard Stuff, and Gold

2006-03-07T17:53:00.000-05:00

Boaz,

I appreciate your words about Ashlee last week. I'm not much of a communicator on-line with people whom I'm not closely connected. Don't think I don't value your insight because I was not very responsive to your words. I heard you.

What an opportunity you and Ruth have freely given to Ashlee! What a gift the past months have been to her. I know it has not been easy for you guys to take on an extra person into your already cramped home. I also appreciate the fact that you and Ruth have been the ones walking with Ashlee as she struggles with her current dilemma regarding Africa and school. You have also made it clear to me how painful it is to watch her struggle. The good news is that her time with you is almost complete. I know your concern for her will continue after she leaves Mexico. Here's the bad news Boaz. I foresee Ashlee's struggles intensifying during her last days with you. Hang in there brother, I expect it will be hard right up to the final boarding call.

Here's the hard stuff Boaz. Ashlee firmly believes that she is Spirit led to go to Africa with AIM in Sept. '06. I do not discount that or have reason to disbelieve it in any way. However, I have made a decision that from my human perspective contradicts Ashlee's belief about her immediate future. It is my wish that she begin school in January. I sought wisdom from God. I also sought the counsel from a small group of men whose wisdom I have learned to trust. I'm not asking her to disobey God and obey me. I'm asking her to honor the line of authority God has established for her and to trust Him that his purpose for her will be accomplished. The "old man" in me says that I want the impossible from her. The Jesus in me says otherwise.

I now ask for your help Boaz. I don't seek your approval of my course of action. As you walk with her during these final days I ask that you honor my present authority over her. I've given Ashlee my decision in an email which you are free to read if she agrees. I want Ashlee to have as much time as possible to process what I have told her. I realize that this puts additional strain on you, Ruth, Rose, and your ministry. You have proven to be trustworthy so I will continue to trust you.

Let me tell you about my experience with God regarding His directives for my life. When God gives me a vision or presents me with an opportunity rarely has it worked out according to my understanding. Once upon a time God gave Keri and I a vision about Ashlee's sister Nicoleta. He told us that Nicoleta was our daughter and that He would bring her home to us from Romania. No matter what we did in our strength to bring His will about we were thwarted. As the adoption process slowly crept forward we realized that we were powerless in the face of overwhelming adversity. A process that should have taken 6 to 9 months actually took nearly three years. During that time we nearly lost hope. We had nothing and no one to cling to for support. All that we had was His promise. (If the day hasn't come for you it will when God's promises seem awfully weak.) Many friends suggested we abandon the endeavor and many withdrew their support of what we believed God told us would happen. A radical faith building work was done in our hearts while we waited for God to have His way. Nicoleta finally met her mom and dad on a cool windy day in November, nearly three years after we began the process of bringing her home.

When you guys were stranded in Texas I prayed that God would open doors for jobs so you could get the van repaired. I'm a bit embarassed to admit that it did not occurr to me to simply ask my Father for the money. He so wants us to leave the puddle of our own understanding and follow Him to the great expanse of the ocean. You and I both knew that God wasn't going to leave you in Laredo. We both saw how God could get you back to Mexico. You guys could get jobs and earn the cash you needed. If it happened that way we would have praised Him for His provision. But jobs were not readily available were they Boaz? I wonder when you as the Captain began to lose hope that you would not find work. I bet that credit card looked like the answer didn't it? As it turned out God did not want to just provide a job. (Then a small bit of credit would have belonged to you.) He wanted to abundantly provide beyond our understanding! He is truly worthy of our trust.

God called Abram to leave all that was familiar to a land that He would show him. A land God would give to his offspring. There was a bit of a problem wasn't there? Abrams wife Sarai could not have children. Abram said to God, "what good is your promise when my wife can't have children." But in the face of impossibility Abram believed God. He struggled and fell down a time or two on the way to the promise didn't he, but God still fulfilled His promise. Here's the Gold Boaz. Whatever you may call it: God's will, God's promises or plan do not depend on us or our performance. He will have His way. He will fulfill that which He promised. In the face of an impossible situation God invites us to believe! WOW!! THAT FILLS MY HEART!! I think Ashley has just received her invitation.

Oh well time to get this over with. Boaz, it's easy to have faith in God when we can see our way from point (A) to point (B). I think real faith can't see the way from point(A) to point (B) yet still believes.

My vision for Ashlee is simple. I wish she would look up from her puddle of understanding and trust God just enough to obey her dad. God has a great ocean to reveal to her.

I love you guys.

Sincerely,
Caleb

What Time Is It?

2006-02-01T12:55:00.000-05:00

Hey Sweetie,

The thing about hard times is that they don't last. Do me a small favor. For just a moment look up from your tough circumstances and step away from them. Find someone who is having a hard time and help them. Who comes to mind? I know it sounds like cheesy advice but that's because you haven't stepped away from your own misery yet. If someone wants to help you, let them. It's good for your heart to receive love from someone else. I know the pressure you're under. I've been where you are now. What you have to do seems so overwhelming. I know this. I also know that much of what you have to do seems useless to you now. Please remember that what you are doing now isn't for now but for later. You're investing energy now for what the LORD has for you later. Don't despair and do not give up. YOU DO NOT HAVE MY PERMISSION TO QUIT!! You do, however, have my permission to fail an NT-101 exam from time to time. I don't think the LORD cares that much about your GPA anyway.

I spoke with a man the other day about the movie End of the Spear. This person told me that they have only met one person like the men portrayed in that movie. That person is Ashlee Williams. It may not seem like it Ashlee, but there are lots of people here praying for you. I talk to God about you before I talk to him about myself. I love you so much. You are one of my heart's great loves.

One last thing. It may seem silly but it may help you later. Don't use the same Bible in class as you use in your quiet time with God. There is such a danger of the Bible becoming a text book. You must guard your heart against that. God's word is alive! His word endures forever! The problem with a classroom is that it seems like they treat God's word like a cadaver to be dissected and analyzed. I don't think that is anyone's intent but it sure seems that way sometimes.

I love you sweetie.

D

PS I miss you........

Linear Thinking

2006-02-01T12:44:00.000-05:00

To My Friends,

I've talked to some of you about my personal struggles with what Larry Crabb calls the Law of Linearity. Over the past several days (maybe the last few weeks) I've come to some conclusions. Let me share them. I had a difficult time reconciling in my heart and mind how God seems to operate. In my mind it seems so natural to reward good behavior. If our kids do well don't we pat them on the back or somehow positively reinforce their good behavior? I don't think God operates like that. I am used to comparing my relationship with God to the relationship children have with a parent. At some point the comparison breaks down doesn't it? To muddy the waters further someone quoted Hebrews to me. "Without faith it is impossible to please God. He that comes to God must believe that he is, and that he is a rewarder of those who diligently seek him." After this was quoted I was asked about Ashlee. Could the way she is turning out be a reward? In my heart I further thought that I should not lose sight of the valuable and vital relationships I've been blessed with. being in good relationships, involved with a good church family, not to mention the usual trappings that money buys, when is it enough? For me the answer is it is never enough. I was losing heart because I began to think that maybe my expectations were too high. I wanted more and I felt greedy.

After church on Sunday Nicoleta and I wanted to watch a movie together. After much debate it was decided that we would watch Shall We Dance. I guess you can see that I did not win this particular engagement. When Nicoleta lost interest and moved on to other stuff I continued to watch. Isn't it funny the stuff God uses to get our attention? It's a story of a man who seems to have everything. He has a safe law practice. He has a loving wife and good, well adjusted kids. He has everything that this world has to offer. Yet, he was unhappy. On his way home from his office he began to notice a dance school where a beautiful young woman seemed to be always standing in the window. At some point he mustered the courage to go to the dance school. In the beginning I think he was more interested in meeting the woman than he was in dancing. He found however that he really enjoyed dancing and continued to take lessons. Thru what seemed like weeks he kept this from his wife and family. He wasn't fooling around with another woman or doing anything that seemed to be particularly embarrassing. Toward the end of the movie his wife finds out what he has been doing and goes to a competition where her husband is competing. Needless to say he doesn't know she is coming. When the husband sees his wife in the crowd he gets nervous and makes some mistakes in the competition. When he and his wife confront each other she asked him why he kept dancing a secret from her. He said that he was ashamed to tell her that sometimes he was unhappy even though he has more than most of the men he knows. He said that he didn't want to hurt her by not being contented all the time. He had it all but he wanted more.

In a lot of ways the husband's situation is like mine. I have much but I want more. I went back and reexamined the Hebrews passage. If God rewards those who diligently seek him, what then is the reward? Is it fair to call wanting more greed? Is what I call greed better described as hunger? Do I really want more or do I want something else?

This note is getting too long so I will close with my conclusions:

1. I am not greedy, I am hungry.
2. If God is the rewarder like the Bible says, then HE
must be the reward. I don't think anything else is
going to work for me. I want more of him and not
more of the other stuff (good as it is).

I invite your kind feedback and other comments.

Sincerely,
Caleb

From the Foxhole

2005-12-18T20:03:00.000-05:00

Just so you know.....I wrote this letter before I knew who was going to get it. I rarely (if ever) write to people to dispense information. My day-to-day existence isn't so interesting that I would presume that others would find it intriguing.

Most men I know enjoy a good war movie. Have you ever seen a war movie that did not have the letter writing scene? The soldier crouches in a fox hole or seeks cover from the rain in an inadequate shelter while he writes his letter. Almost always he is writing to a parent or his true love. Why is that? The soldier will only write to the people that matter, that's why. Another thing about the soldier in the movie, what does he do with his letters from home? Does he read them once and toss them in the mud? Does he receive his letter and save it until it is convenient to read it? If you don't already know the answers to these questions then I am writing to you by mistake. But know this: I identify with the war-torn soldier. I am writing to you because you matter. I am anxious to hear from you. I will read your words to me over and over until I see or hear from you again. At mail call time I am in the front of the line waiting for my name to be called.

I have often heard my life described as a journey with Jesus. My life is something else also. It is war. The journey with Jesus description brings to my mind warm feelings of friendship and guidance by a kindly God who is always holding my hand. Does anyone really enjoy such an existence? Because such is not my experience. My inward life isn't warm, friendly, and peaceful. I am at war almost all the time. It is cold. It is hard. It is brutal and bloody. I lose the same battles again and again. I fall down and I get up and fall down again. Where is the peace and warmth I've heard of? Why am I so desperate to survive? Why can't I fall down and just stay down? Why do I always get back up? I know why. I look at my wounds and realize that I should be dead, but I'm not. I live. Why? Here's the secret: I am indestructible. I can be battered and bloodied but I cannot be killed. I believe this. The enemy's rounds whistle and ricochet around me. Some even strike me. Without fear I can walk into the enemy's fire and realize that the peace and warmth that seems to elude me is not so elusive after all. Is it true and can it be that the warrior's peace with God is best experienced during the fire fights with the enemy?!

Remember the war movie? Why is it that the letter writer always seems to be the one later in the story who has to deliver the satchel charge to the enemy's machine gun nest or pillbox? Why is it that the one who has the most to lose is called on or volunteers to make the greatest sacrifice? I don't know. One other thing, remember the guy in the movie who carries the radio on his back? When he cries over the mike for reinforcements who is he shouting at? Doesn't it usually seem to be some officer in a clean and pressed uniform miles away from any danger? We all know his line: "hang in there son. Help is on the way." Who is this guy? I always resent him. I resent him because help isn't coming or it arrives too late. The officer at the other end of the radio is at best inadequate or at worst a liar. I confess that in my war story I sometimes equate God with the officer dispensing meaningless encouragement. I forget that my commanding officer has worn the grunts uniform, victoriously fought the same battles, and was KIA.

Taking cover,

Caleb

The Big One

2005-12-18T19:56:00.000-05:00

Hey Ashlee,

From now on this note I am writing to you will forever be known as "that email."

I have a text message from you saved on my cell phone. It says, "Dad, I know you hear God. What is He telling you I should do? Not what you think, but God." You sent that message on 9-02-05. At that time I think you were seeking direction about extending your mission to Mexico. Let me tell you how God speaks to me. He whispers. If I'm not expectantly paying attention I may miss something from Him. A great prophet of God heard God's whispers. Do you know who it was? Do you know his story? When I'm not paying attention it usually means I'm trying to manage on my own.

Here's a story for you. There once was a little boy joyfully playing in a mud puddle. He was having the time of his life. I guess you'd have to be a little boy to understand the fun that mud puddles are. As the little boy was playing in his puddle his parents asked him if he wanted to go to the beach. The little guy had never been to the beach so he wasn't sure if he wanted to go or not. It was his decision based on the limitations of his age and experience to remain in his mud puddle. He knew the puddle was fun. He had no idea about the beach. Guess what happened. Mom and dad had to take a very unhappy little boy to the beach and away from his mud puddle. Once the family arrived at the ocean, how long do you suppose it took the little guy to forget about his mud puddle?

I was pleased that you were accepted into Moody. Apparently, you are not. I understand you have other plans that you firmly believe are Spirit led.

Here's something cool about God. He has the power to impose His will on us but He doesn't. What does He do? He invites us to conform. He assures us of His love for us and asks us to trust Him. He calls us from what we know to the adventure of what He has prepared for us. Do I trust Him enough to obey? Do you? Here's something profoundly true. Make sure you get this. Are you ready? Ultimately, God will have His will done. Nothing stops Him. Nobody thwarts His will. THAT ROCKS!

I've sought wisdom. I've asked God to help me decide what you ought to do. Why should I have to ask God what you should do? Because Ashlee, at this point in your life the decision for what you ought to do is mine, not yours. It's hard stuff I know. Do you feel the rebel in you trying to take control? What are you going to do with that? I love you, Ashlee.

I know your mom has tried to reason with you about attending Moody. As I listened to your mom relate your text and instant message discussions, I believe God gave me this thought. "Be the parent Caleb."

Ashlee, you will not go to Africa as you have planned. You will begin attending MBI this January. Take the next several days before you come home to adapt yourself to this idea. Can I really force you to go to Moody? I know I can't. Nevertheless, I invite you to submitt to my authority and honor me by your trust and obedience.

D

Sup

2005-12-18T19:55:00.000-05:00

Ashlee Christine,

Did you make a promise to your mom about attending MBI? If you did then I was unaware of it. That bit of information changes everything. How does God speak to you in this regard? Does He tell you to ignore your promise and go to Africa? I'm truly curious about this. Does God say honor your promise then go to Africa? Is there a way to get out of your promise without compromising your integrity? These are hard questions aren't they? What are you going to do? Am I being hard on you Sweetie? I already know the answers to these questions. Telling you the answers is not what you need from me. You will discover the answers later. A person like you in such a relentless pursuit of God will surely discover the right thing to do. Have you figured out what you need from me? I'll just tell you......nada. You need me for nothing. You may not need me but I'm kinda cool to have around ain't I?

I so love to watch you grow.......you do my heart good.

D

Waiting for the Good Stuff

2005-12-18T19:54:00.000-05:00

Hey Ashley,

There's some stuff I have to say to you. I've not told you before because I don't want to have with you the kind of relationship that you and your mom have sometimes. The discussions you have with your mom usually degenerate into arguments. Also, I've been afraid. You are truly a joy to my heart. Here lately I've come to enjoy this new dynamic that our relationship has. I'm afraid that if I tell you this "stuff" I'll ruin it. Do you know what? I hate fear. Fear is not of God. Most often the thing I'm afraid to do is exactly what God invites me to do. What do you fear? Fear is the mind killer.

The weekend that you left for Mexico a page turned in my heart. It occurred to me that Ashley is fast becoming a grown-up. When i came home from work the day after you left your mom and the kids had moved you out of your room. That hurt me. I was missing you and everyone else was erasing the evidence of you from my house. I wanted to think about you while everyone else wanted to forget you. Who are these people that I live with?! Can't they see that I'm dying inside? Don't they understand that I'm not ready for this? Guess what? Ready or not Caleb, she's gone. Let me tell you what sux Ashley. Having children is a huge commitment. By having kids I promised that I would always be there. I would never leave them. But guess what they do when they turn eighteen? They do exactly what I promised never to do: They leave. Now the life you lived here with me is packed into boxes out in the garage. I get to look at the evidence of your life every day when I come home. You have no idea how much I love you. I wish I had done better getting that message out.

Here's a story. You may have heard it.

There once was a great flood. The river had swollen and expanded outside of its' banks. What was once dry land was now under water. There was a man in this flood who got stranded on the roof of his house. He prayed and asked God to rescue him. As he finished praying another man in a rowboat came by and invited him to get in with him. The man on the roof declined to get in the boat because he was waiting for God to rescue him. Soon after the man in the rowboat departed another man came by flying in a helicopter. The man in the helicopter was willing to throw down a ladder to the man. The man declined the offer because he said God was going to rescue him. The waters in the river continued to rise. Soon the man on the roof was swept away by the flood and drowned. When the man was in the presence of God he asked God why He didn't rescue him. God said, "What more did you want? I sent a boat and a helicopter and you refused both."

Faith is the substance of things hoped for the evidence of things not seen.

Here's what I've been afraid to tell you that i believe God's Spirit has prompted me to say. Ashley, you remind me of the man on the roof. God will not behave in the way that you expect Him to. He is wildly unpredictable. If you don't believe that ask mom how God behaved when He placed adoption on our hearts. As you make decisions about school and Africa don't refuse the answers God is giving because they are not supernatural enough for you. Yes, God can and does do the extravagant and miraculous. But more often He operates in the ordinary and unappealing things of life. Why is that? Because that is how He created most people: ordinary and unappealing. Do you know how many Chinese people there are? Billions of them. For me they define ordinary and unappealing. So why did I quote the "faith" verse?
I don't think you "get it." You seem to be asking God a question that requires a direct answer on His part. Think of it this way for just a minute. "Father, do you want me in Africa, do you want me in college, or do you want me to do both?" Isn't that the essence of your situation? Ashley, God will not thru signs and wonders tell you what to do. He will not say "Go to Africa." He will not say "Go to Moody." He will not say "Go to Africa then after go to school." If he did why would you need faith "the evidence of things not seen?" God operated that way in the Old Testament before His Spirit lived in His children. You want God to give you a clear indication of what you should do without trusting the Holy Spirit who already resides in your heart. I don't get that. Ashley, trust the God who lives in you! Trust your sanctified decision making ability. I think perhaps that I already hear your argument (with Ashley you always get one). Are you thinking, "I do have faith. I have faith that God will answer my question in an undeniable way." What you have dear one is not faith but expectations. How nice, you've even given God three acceptable responses to your question about the future. I wonder if God likes the corner you've painted Him into? I think God may be scratching His head saying, "Going to a good college is okay, do that if you want Ashley. On the other hand, going to Africa is good too, do that if you'd like. Going both to Africa and school is fine also. Trust the regenerated heart and mind I have placed within you. Make a decision with the resources I have already provided. You don't need a sign from me. You need to trust me. I live in you. You can trust Me. Please don't dictate to Me how I must answer. I will not bend to your will. I ask you to bend to mine."

Ashley, your mom and I love God. We trust Him with you. You can trust us as a resource of wisdom from God. We have insight that you do not have simply because you have not lived long enough. Let me tell you what our wishes are in regard to the immediate future. It is most important to us that you receive an education at a good Bible school. Africa and other missions endeavors are at this point secondary considerations. Please don't tell me again, for it offends me, that God can teach you things on the mission field that He can't teach you anywhere else. I refuse to accept your limited view of what God can or can't do. Have you ever stopped to consider that there may be things you can learn in school that you can't learn on the mission field? Hermeneutics being at the top my list presently. In other words, there is knowledge that you ought to have in advance to going on the mission field. God has provided college to meet that need.

One more thing then I have to go. The spiritual experiences of others do not of themselves dictate God's truth. That does not discount or deny the experience of others. All that I'm saying is that there is only one true thing, everything else is tainted: God's word. If someones experience can't be validated scripturally, it is at best untrustworthy and at worst a lie. Trust the God of the Bible, not the God of Boaz and Ruth. I'm certain that they are committed followers of Christ but they are people none the less.

You told me in a previous email that Boaz got on you about not doing your chores. Tell him from me: "Welcome to my world." The fact is Ashley you are not a self-starter. You take your ques from others. Especially when it comes to doing the same little tasks day after day. That is something you have to work on. I wouldn't wait for a sign from God about whether or not you should do your chores. If you see something that needs doing just do it. Look for ways to serve Boaz and Ruth. Don't wait for them to tell you to do stuff. I'm sure that is uncomfortable for them. Ask the Spirit in you to keep your mind alert for ways to serve others like Rose, Boaz, and Ruth. Remember doing your chores is part of the ordinary and appealing ways God works. Don't deny yourself the joy that only comes from serving others.

I pray that when you see this email that God will prepare you and preserve the relationship that i have with you. I love you sweetie.

D

PS What's a Rose without thorns? A fake flower.

Quick Note

2005-12-18T19:53:00.000-05:00

Hey You,

I don't think you need my permission to be baptized again. If it helps, I'm not opposed to you doing it again. I do have a question for you to consider between now and the time you get baptized again. This thing you call surrender, what is that? As I continue to live there always seems to be something else the Lord points to in my life that isn't as it should be. Do you think that the Christian experience is a constant exercise in surrender? I do. I'm wondering how often a person ought to be baptized. Is once enough or as I "surrender" more should I be periodically re-baptized? I don't think it can hurt. On the other hand, there is no Biblical basis for re-baptism. If it helps you go ahead. One more thing then I have to go. Feelings and emotions are good things, but they are not always trustworthy. Trust absolutely what you see between Genesis and Revelation no matter how you feel. Always test everything else against what God says not on what others claim to have experienced.

More Later:

D

The Wedding that Wasn't

2005-12-18T19:52:00.000-05:00

Hey Ashlee,

I know you have been very busy lately so write to me when you have time. You asked me for juicy emails so I am trying to honor your request. I saw on the sign-on screen that you have 93 emails today. I hope you enjoy mine to you.

Previously, I wrote to you about Jesus the hitchhiker. I sent a different one to Mike. I sent that one to you as well. I want you to know me (the true me) as someone other than the person you lived with for so long. I want you to know my heart because it belongs to Jesus. My heart is yours as well.

Two or three weeks ago there was an announcement in the church bulletin. It said that Sarah Bass was getting married on Aug. 20th.
Later that day at mini-church Rodney and Susan told our group that they were opposed to the marriage. There were several reasons. They struggled so much with the prospect of seeing one of their children making such a mistake. At least to them it was a mistake. Imagine their situation. They had to plan, implement plans, and finance a wedding they did not believe in. Ashlee, why would they do that? After some weeks of emotional turmoil and struggle Rodney and Susan truly realized that their child was going to marry someone who was not right for her. The morning of the wedding they prayed and left their daughter and her future with Jesus. When they were done praying Rodney claimed that God had calmed his and Susan's heart about the matter. What did they do? THEY LET JESUS DRIVE! Is He a safe driver? Read on and see what you think. After praying they got dressed. Susan probably double checked the catering arrangements for the reception. Later they had a long ride from home to a church somewhere on Signal Mtn. What were they thinking on the drive? What did they talk about? At the church there were more details to see to. Finally, all the guests had arrived and the church was full of music. The groom and his groomsmen were in their places in front of the sanctuary. Let me ask you Ashlee. How is Jesus driving? Is he going too fast? Is he too close to the edge of a road that has no guard rails? Where was I? Oh yeah, I left the groom and his entourage at the front of the church. Come to think of it, that is exactly what Sarah did. I'm not kidding! At the last moment she made the courageous decision to flee. The only person to come down the aisle that day was Rodney. He had the grim task of explaining to the gathered guests that there was to be no wedding that day. That must have been tough on him, the proverbial "icing on the cake." Then I think it would have been harder for Sarah's parents to watch her ride away in her honeymoon car.

What do you think of the Lord's driving Ashlee? Did he drive fast! YES!! Was it safe? NO!! (it didn't seem safe from my point of view)
Did Jesus lose control of the car? NO!! His driving may not seem safe based on our understanding of safe but he is and was always in control. He is a good driver and we can trust him with our lives. WOW!! What a ride that must have been for Rodney and Susan. Maybe later when the heat blows over I'll ask him about it.

In the realm of parenting young adult children I have two new heroes: Rodney and Susan. For uncommon courage I bow to Sarah Bass.

Sincerely,

D

The Juicy Stuff

2005-12-18T19:50:00.000-05:00

Hey Ashlee,

Today will be a busy day. I can't start cutting grass until the dew burns off so I'll spend a little time with you.

I haven't read or responded to Boaz's email yet. Do you want me to tell him to lay off you in the chores department? Should I tell him you lived here for 18 years and never got it? Look here Ashlee, doing chores sucks. Not many people get much enjoyment from doing stupid little tasks that have to be done day after day. It's always the same stuff and it never goes away. Get with the program Ashlee! Wow Dad that's rough. Does that sound like old times around our house Ashlee? Taking the hard line didn't work then and I expect it won't work now. The truth is there is a work in your heart that hasn't been completed yet. Let me speak from my own experience. I let the Lord show me the joy of doing chores. That's the secret. Why do I do the stuff at home a lot of men consider "women's work?" It shows your mom that I love her. She sees the evidence of my love for her by my good works. Ask the Lord to show you the joy that can be yours by serving others. Do you wish now that is too late to show love to your mom? How many times did your mom ask you to clean up your room? How often did you fail to obey? On those occasions when you did clean up your room was there any joy? I bet there was not. Do you know why? Because you did it to get her off your back. Am I right? Ashlee, don't keep making the same mistake. Don't do stuff for Boaz and Ruth to get them off your back. Serve them because you love them and experience the joy that it will bring!! Doing chores will still suck but your heart will be glad. Some things can't be adequately explained sweetheart, you'll have to have some faith. Oh well, enough already.

I have not heard from AIM yet. Nor has Ms. Ellis.

Just read Boaz's email. Why is it necessary to be baptized again?

I have to do my chores now!! Ha Ha can't wait for the joy. Oh by the way, do you have any idea how much I love you?

D